I met you in the elevator on my way back from the pediatrician’s office. It was just me and Wren, and you looked at her fondly in her stroller. When the elevator doors opened, you very kindly held the doors open for me. As I clumsily maneuvered the stroller past you, I accidentally ran over your foot. “Don’t worry about it,” you assured me over my profuse apologies. “I have three children myself,” you revealed to me. My eyes traveled to your big belly. There was an awkward pause as I wondered if I could assume you were pregnant. “And I’m expecting my fourth,” you admitted. “Congratulations!,” I tell you. “That is wonderful!” I see the relief spread across your face. “Thank you!” you say, and I could tell you meant it. “You have no idea how many people offer their condolences when they find out this is my fourth. Or they ask me if this was planned.” “How rude of them,” I reply. “All children are a blessing.”
As we parted ways, I felt an immense sorrow for what our society has become. When did having a large family become equivalent to a tragic event? Why do people think that seeing a mother with lots of children automatically entitle them to make rude comments concerning her family planning? Countless strangers in grocery stores have seen me with my three little ones and impertinently asked me how many children I was planning on having. I don’t know, person I have never met before. Tell you what, how about next week I will bring my husband here and all three of us will discuss our family planning and come up with a number you find suitable. Or figure out which ones to eliminate if you feel I have too many already. But honestly, the only answer for the impertinent question of how many children I am going to have is: all of them.
And why are people so obsessed with whether a pregnancy is “planned” or not? Does the child from a “planned” pregnancy have more value than the child of an “unplanned” pregnancy? As to the answer to this other impertinent question, my only answer is: yes, God planned for this child from time immemorial, and I will do my best with this life that is entrusted to me.
There seems to be some unspoken rule that you are only allowed to have two children: one girl and one boy, about 2-5 years apart. If you mess up and fail to meet the gender quota of one of each, you are permitted to go out on a limb and have a third. However, you will risk endless ridicule from strangers if you really mess up and end up with (God forbid ) THREE of the same gender. I have never understood this stock portfolio approach to child bearing. If you are looking for variety, you get plenty of that within the same gender, trust me. Besides, I hate to point out the obvious, but no matter what you plan on having, you get what you get. As much as we want to, we can’t control everything. Especially when it comes to child bearing. I’m ok with that mostly because I’m religious, but I’m digressing from the point of this post.
I have three girls who are each about a year apart. This, for some reason, makes people feel uncomfortable. They are constantly trying to rationalize my unconscionable decision to have that many children so close in age with either: 1) that we kept unsuccessfully trying for a boy, or 2) we are “getting it out of the way quickly”. To be honest, I don’t even know what # 2 means. We’re having children, not going in for a root canal. I have stopped even trying to explain to people that no, we just like having children. That just doesn’t compute. Who would have three children close together ON PURPOSE? Because, I mean, isn’t it difficult? And so not worth it? Maybe if I told them I am a rebel who is swimming against the stream I will garner more support. Being rebellious is always cool, right?
Benjamin Franklin was one of ten children (UPDATE: a kind reader has informed me that he was actually the youngest of seventeen!) Beethoven was one of seven, and JFK was one of nine! Every child has the potential to do something great in the world. So please, give the mother of these children the support and encouragement she needs whether it is her first child or her ninth. Because your last child deserves just as much excitement as your first.
And to the lady in the elevator, a thousand times congrats. You are truly blessed.
At the risk of being misinterpreted, I am still going to say it because I believe it is important. I wholeheartedly believe that each couple has a right to decide how many kids they want to have and this is no one else’s business. However, I also believe that decisions need to be made with all the relevant information. I don’t understand what the societal or cultural rule is for having only two kids. But ecologically speaking, two children are the maximum number of offspring ANY species (not just humans) can have without contributing to population growth. After two children per couple, population size does not remain constant, but instead increases from generation to generation. Why should human population growth be maintained constant at this point? Because human population growth is the SINGLE biggest environmental problem of this planet and it is at the roots of many issues in our planet, from forest deforestation to habitat degradation and global climate change. The two-kid rule is, as you say, irrelevant as a cultural issue, but it is important from an ecological and conservation perspective. As a mother and a scientist, I respect anyone’s decision to have children and however many children they want to have, but I do believe that these decisions should be made with the proper information, and once you have all the information, family matters are your decision and your decision alone, no judgement should be passed.
It is God who commanded mankind to multiply:
Genesis 1:26 (NKJV)
26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”
Genesis 1:28 (NKJV)
28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 26:4 (NKJV)
4 And I will make your descendants multiply as the stars of heaven; I will give to your descendants all these lands; and in your seed all the nations of the earth shall be blessed;
Man is supreme above the animals. The earth is here for his pleasure and use:
Genesis 9:5 (NIV)
5 And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man.
Each child is here, not the at the parents desire but at God’s:
Jeremiah 1:5 (NIV)
5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…
Mankind’s existence and growth is not a threat to the planet. That’s the cart before the horse. Earth was created by God so that mankind may exist upon it.
Your argument that population should be controlled because it *might* damage the planet is akin to buying a car then putting it in the garage and saying it can’t be driven except to work and back because anything else might wear out the car.
You discuss population growth as a scientist. That it’s a valid theoretical concept for scientific consideration. The problem though is when scientific theorizing bleeds over into action in real life. Several regimes have been in favor of population control in the past, as persuaded by many a phd and md and it usually results in policies that would be impolite to discuss in such a forum. Just as one example, the holocaust was an attempt at controlling the size of a certain “undesirable” populations, medically and scientifically sanctioned by by both scientists and doctors within the German government.
The bottom line is that God, not man, dictates when a child is created.
Author: Excellent article. You are to be commended!
Very well put! I wasn’t sure hoe to respond to that post tactfully, but you handled it very eloquently. The Lord and only The Lord knows what is to come and he has all the power to control it!!
There is no “might harm the planet”. There are too many of us, and that fact alone has been harming the planet since the dawn of the industrial revolution. Scientific analyses of the amount of resources we have left and how those are rapidly depleting have nothing to do with the prejudice and hate that drove the Holocaust. People with PhDs don’t just stand on their soap boxes and lecture the rest of us because they’re bored; they’re recognized, often distinguished, authorities in their field. Also: not everyone is Christian or accepts what is in the Bible as an acceptable rebuttal.
Genesis 1:28 (NKJV)
28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Note the part about FILL the earth. The earth seems pretty full to me. We already can’t feed and provide clean water for all the people there are. Therefore, maybe it’s time to do something else. If the earth isn’t full enough for you, when will it be? When we hit 10 billion? 20 billion?
Actually, you need more than 2 children per couple to maintain the population! Unfortunately, some children don’t live to reproduce. And some children that do live to reproductive age are unable to reproduce for one reason or another. And, God forbid, should there be a war or a natural catastrophe that results in 10’s or 100’s of millions of casualties, we will need a lot more than 2 kids per couple. The environment is more adaptable than you have been taught to believe.
You are correct. Also, a lot of fear about population growth is misplaced. The recent increase in global population is due to longer life spans, NOT increases in the number of children people are having. Many countries are actually experiencing birth rates below the “replacement rate”. They are having to look for ways to entice couples to have more children. Also, the earth can handle a much higher population than it currently has (you’ve heard that the entire world could fit in the state of TX with >1000sf per person, right? 🙂 ) and the US produces enough food for the entire world. Just seems like the more people we have, the more innovative and creative we become.
Let us just hope that these people having 8 kids aren’t using disposable diapers for all of them…God forbid.
I love this post! I have 2 biological siblings brother and sister. I’m 23 brother 20 and sister 19. When we all got to our teens mum decided to leave the police force and foster dad still works. They now fosters 3 children she has had them 8 years and will continue to forever have as them as their children and will always be my brothers and sisters. A couple of years ago they took on a 4 month old baby on emergency placement there was no one else available to look after him. They eventually adopted him otherwise he would of gone to another adoptive family and we all love him too much to let him go. I never missed out on love or care and I had an amazing experience in adding to our family biological or not. They are all my siblings. People do look at us and say things my mum is too polite and let it go. But they worked hard. I wasn’t planned they were only together 3 months when they were pregnant with me and only 17. But if it wasn’t for me they wouldn’t of tried so hard and worked so hard. Or bought a house and got on the market. Now they fully own a 7 bedroomed house and a farm where we all muck in and look after the animals and it is fantastic. I got married at 20 and me and hubby have just bought our first house. Now 23 we are planning our first child. We have even got the nursery ready now while I’m working full time and saving everything we can so that when baby number one comes along I won’t have to work for a couple of years to give the child every moment possible. Then when that child is nearly one we now we will start trying again. It is the life I want. We might not conceive which is fine we will adopt or foster. I was always meant to be a mum. We have the funds. Enough bedrooms. The time and love and care. Our children will be happy and clean and food in there bellies and most importantly loved. Even though I’m only 23 We plan to have at least three and we haven’t started yet.
Good for you! God bless your family
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I don’t agree that the greatest gift that God can give you is a child. That would imply that those of us who can’t have children are somehow deprived of God’s greatest gift!!! God’s greatest gift is actually salvation through his son, Jesus.
You should hear the things that people say when they find out you won’t ever be pregnant. Those of you with multiple children should be thankful and stop complaining about what people say about you having many children, because in the end, you still have your kids.
I agree that salvation is God’s greatest gift. But you have no understanding of how much of your life essence it takes to raise a child. It’s where the rubber meets the road.
Your statement shows that you are no better than those who make rude comments about having too many kids.
People can be careless and hurtful with their words and many times unintentionally. I agree our salvation is God’s greatest gift! Children are a blessing but that does not mean someone without a child is not blessed. In my family my sister could not have children so I have seen the pain caused by unkind words spoken to her. I, on the other hand, have five and have experienced unkind comments also. It reminds me to guard my thoughts and words.
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I think the shock and awe comes from the fact that society sees this differently than what this article is stating. NO one is shaming. When people were having this many children 30 and 40 years ago they were not in the everyday lime light of daily living. Today a mom of 4 is schlepping them around on errands, keeping up with soccer, little league, and school activities all the while many of the mothers look frazzled, exhausted and overextended. Just a short jog back in history big families were at home, with one car to the family, working, running a muck in the street with neighborhood kids or on a farm. Not on display at the local grocery store, Target, restaurants, or mall bumping into the displays, screaming, crying, laughing and just being kids in a setting that isn’t a play ground. Also, to many large families mean welfare lottery and the tax payers are paying for it. People feel they have a right to comment on it if they feel they are paying for it. I know I do when I see a young woman swipe her EBT card at the grocery store with cart full of kids and a bulging belly. Children are a blessing, YOUR chosen blessing and parents will hopefully raise them to be adult blessings. It isn’t having a huge family that is being judged, it is trying to keep up with the demands of modern day life and very few (mostly those from big families themselves) can really execute this art well. Don’t be offended when asked questions or feel someone is judging you. Look at yourself and wonder why someone is even asking you questions. Is your children being well behaved? Do you look frazzled and exhausted and the questions are out of concern, sympathy, irritation or all the above. OR are your children well behaved, you are calm and easy going and happy because those questions would be out of awe, praise and how do you do it. In modern day society big families are not normal and because of that you will always stand out and people will always ask dumb questions and you will always be judged. This article didn’t change minds or views, it just added “victimization” to another title of a mother of 4. How can you be a victim of something you wanted? Instead of being offended and being defensive start asking yourself the questions of what is it about my situation that makes people, who are normally very shy and soft spoken, have to comment on something that really isn’t their business. Your answer may surprise you and you may not feel ashamed or like a victim, but empowered, inspired, true to your choice and changed.
Just wanted to comment that people should NEVER EVER judge someone about the number of children they have based on how those children are behaving. You DON’T KNOW the situation and it may be completely different than what you are assuming. Think it is just some terrible mother who doesn’t discipline her bratty kid(s)? It probably is. BUT maybe she is a foster/adoptive mother caring for a child who has been a victim of physical or emotional abuse. Or maybe her child has special needs you don’t understand. Or maybe the family is going through a crisis (health, financial, relational…) and the stress is causing both child and parent to behave differently than usual. Kind words of encouragement are so much better than critical looks of judgment. We should all be less quick to judgment and more willing to give the benefit of the doubt.
Amen!
You have some valid points, however, there are always those that are going to judge, make snide remarks, and look down upon those with more children for no valid reason. I am a young mother. I am 29 with three children. My husband is 4 years older and we have been together for 11 years, married for 9. We are not, nor have we ever been on welfare. I have two degrees. My husband is a supervisor and his job security has allowed me to be a stay at home mom. With all of that said, I get judged all the time. I am a very fit woman, 5’7″ 125 and am always pretty darn put together. Despite being put together and having polite, well behaved children; (almost always at 7, 4, and 1 they of course can have their moments) I still get the looks, and even the snide remarks. I actually remember very clearly a time where I had my cart loaded with groceries, my 4 year old was holding my hand my 7 year old was looking at the gum and my little man was sitting in the cart clapping his hands.. The woman in front me, probably in her early 50s, turns to the woman with her and said, “must be the 1st of the month, all the welfare people are here.” “Such a shame these teens having kids for the tax breaks.” I’m a quite person by nature, however, that did it for me. I said, “mam clearly you’re talking about me.” You looked directly at me, and spoke in a loud enough tone that you were certain I would hear, looking back several times while speaking.” She smiled and said, “oops, guess you heard me.” I said I sure did, and I am not a welfare case, and I’m hoping that nobody that can hear you is one either, because being rude and making one feel bad about themselves, is never attractive. At this point several people were looking at us. I said some people are on welfare because they truly need it, maybe the circumstances were out of their control, and yes there are those that also abuse the system, but don’t pass judgement before you know, and for your information I was not a teen mom, I have two degrees, I live in a 3000 square foot house and drive a Denali, and I winked and smiled ever so nicely at her. My husband and I may, or may not have a fourth, but if we do I am certain I will get “the look.”
I am a mother of two boys hoping for more later on, and I totaly agree with what you said! Thank you for saying it so well. I am bogged down with two and the thought of one more right now makes me sick. I have many friends who have four and a few with six and although I know it can be done and it can be beautiful I cringe not out of discust or being mad at them for having that many but simply because I know that momma has a lot on her plate and is very busy! I have totally said those rude or thoughless coments but not meaning them to be that way. I also struggled with infertility for years so saying the other coments are rude too! We women need to love each others differances, how many kids we do or don’t have, the way we react to your 12 kids or lack there of. GRACE ladies! GRACE! Life is too hard to care about what others think or even say. Let it roll off your back and be the woman who God has made you to be!
Great post! I’m the father of ten and it’s been funny over the years listening to the comments people make. With each increase the comments changed.
1) Oh how wonderful. Aren’t children a joy?
2) [Now we had a girl and a boy] You’ve got you girl and a boy. A rich man’s family.
3) Three huh? Was she an “oops”?
4) Four?! Ya know what causes that, right? *snicker* *snicker*
5) Five kids? Whoa! Are you done?
6) Six kids…you must be wealthy!
7) Seven?! You poor woman (to my wife).
8) Oh my goodness! I have two and I don’t know how I can make it!
9) [Mouth open…no words coming out]
10) Ha, ha! Ten! Ha, ha! That’s funny. [At which point I explain I’m not kidding. The expression changes to a look of awe.]
God Bless all large families!!
LOL, love this.
I loved this post so much! I am one of 10 children and being shlepped all over the country on our annual road trips in the 80″s got us plenty of looks and snide remarks. My dad reveled in it, however and always had some great comeback. At the gate to Disney World, the lady asked how many in the van and my dad said “12 of us, I left the others at home!” People would ask him, “don’t you know about birth control?” and he would reply “why yes, I do, I could TEACH a birth control class!” Thank goodness my parents had all of us… god knows SS is so in the red. My parents unselfishly gave 10 contributors to the system that is now paying the bills of many of those who thought poorly of them. LOVE my siblings and am so grateful we have each other. Every time I see a big family, I go out of my way to congratulate the mom & tell her what a great gift she is giving her kids.
Thank for giving me a response for when people ask my husband and I how many kids are we going to have and reminding everyone that it doesn’t matter how large a family is, planned or unplanned, all that matters is the love!
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These types of interrogations really and truly need to stop in our society. Some people genuinely don’t know these types of questions and comments are offensive because it’s just become commonplace; just like lack of integrity on the job or running yellow/red lights has become commonplace. It just happens. However, it’s my personal opinion that those who ask out of a “disgust” or with a sarcastic tone have some inner “guilt” of some kind. A parent’s struggle and suffering with lots of little ones is an unseen, yet direct opposition to their “freedoms”. The irony is that they don’t realize the struggles we, as parents of many children face are ones we have CHOSEN. We do not look to them with some sort of “jealousy” for such “freedoms” and with eyes that are filled with pain screaming, “Save me!” If I’m digging a ditch in sweat and labor by choice in front of a sun-bather with a margarita, it doesn’t mean they need to “feel sorry” for me. I’m genuinely happy for them if they are enjoying their margarita. Not a thought more; no questions asked. I’ll enjoy mine after my day’s labor.
This read was so timely! God’s timing is perfect, I have no doubt. I have four children, the youngest being 13 months. I just found out I’m having a 5th child. It was hard to grasp, but I’m thankful He chose to bless our family with another one. I need to prepare myself mentally for all the stares and the remarks that will come about once the little one is here! Thank you for this! It definitely encouraged me!
Congrats on your fifth!
I adore this so much. I am a mother of 3 little girls.I married my high school sweetheart at 18, I had twins at 19 and another daughter at 21. I am now 24 and my husband and I want to try for a 4th baby soon.
As a Mum of 7 blessings, I hated being asked by people when I was pregnant if I knew what caused it!!
Some people just have no idea of anything.
I’m confident there are many jerks who will comment on the number of children someone has, but it seems to be indicative of their fears and insecurities. “I don’t have kids, so I should make them feel bad.” Or “I was told I should only have two kids, they clearly must be wrong.”
These are their fears and insecurities being shunted off on others… Jokingly, or condemningly.
Mother had 11 siblings.
Father had 8.
I have 4.
Most people alive today are products of similar numbers. In wedlock, or out of. So their commentary really has no grounds to stand on.
You could react negatively to it… Or address their fears directly:
A decade of overpopulation fear reports.
A decade of food and water fear reports.
A decade of cost of living changes and job fluctuations.
Four decades of women’s equality, family life changes, and the reevaluation of the “family”.
We have changed many things… And yet have not changed much ourselves.
We are told new things, but still value old things. That creates cognitive dissonance, and people react negatively to it.
Every time they see you and your 4 kids… Are reminded of their numerous aunts and uncles… And see that the fears they had for the past 10 years are not quite as founded as they were told.
The people who mock you, criticize you, or make light of the choices that mean a lot to you… Are simply afraid and confused themselves.
I LOVE THIS!!! We have four children, Girls ages 10, 7, and twin Boys 6 years old. We were always getting rude comments and ugly stares going places, sometimes still do. I don’t see our children as a burden, but as a blessing! I’m grateful every day that God saw us fit to entrust four of his miracles with us! They are challenging, no doubt, especially considering that our second girl and the twins are only 1 year and 13 days apart, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I was in shock and disbelief when I learned that we pregnant for a third time, with our daughters being 3 years old and 3 months old, but I am so grateful to have been blessed with these wonderful boys too! Even with the scary and difficult birth, I would not have it any other way:) Children are a blessing and a gift from God. They are something that I will thank God for every single day that I live and breathe. I will then thank Him again once I see Him after. Enjoy your kids, take care of them, and thank Him for all that He has blessed you with by entrusting them to you in the first place!
Thank you for an absolutely beautiful post. If only more people had your attitude!!! I have 6 beautiful, healthy, happy and the most well behaved children aged 10, 8, 6, 4, 2 and 1, and am CONSTANTLY asked from strangers “are you having any more?!” “Are they to the same Father?!” Then there are the utterly rude comments from absolute strangers like “you should sew your vagina up to prevent any more”, and “you would have thought you’d get a shitzu after the 2nd”. Some people just can’t handle the fact I have 6, and I have become so used to strangers telling me about my life choices that I’ve learned to shut it out… Not everyone is negative, I do get the “wow! Your children are so well behaved!” (Like this is something unexpected…??!). People will always judge others, because humans aren’t perfect. For all the rude comments, and people staring at me, I feel I am truly blessed. Each and every one of my children were wanted, are absolutely loved and have parental support. Perhaps the judgemental people are the jealous people for not making the same choices…. I say, if you can provide your babies with love, then go forth and multiply.
Iiiwww am always stocked by the audacity people have to ask such questions like, same father! When I get asked that it’s like their first thought is I must be a tramp!
I am so happy someone has address this I have a 5,3,1 every pregnancy someone made a nasty remark to me about having too many or having them close in a age. I am very happy about my decision that my husband and I made. Wouldn’td change it for the world.
Funny thing about the elevator. I was with my first 3 children and pregnant with my 4th ( I ended up with a total of 5) and we got on to an elevator with an older woman. Out of the blue she tells me that she only had one daughter so she could give her the best of everything and how she had her provided it for her. All I said was “that’s nice.” But I really wanted to say was “that’s so sad, you didn’t give her a brother or a sister, a family. I couldn’t help but wonder if this woman was a part of her daughter’s life anymore and if the daughter had grown up to be a self-centered woman. This woman’s tone of voice exuded contempt and envy and sadness. I couldn’t help but pity her and her daughter.
I can’t imagine the look she might have had if you informed her that she failed and did not give her child everything, at least not where it matters.
I have witnessed both sides of the coin here and after this comment, I just have to say that no one is without judgement here. My best friend has six children and I will ceaselessly defend her choice for a beautifully large family. But I only have one child and will most likely always only have one child and for someone to say that we haven’t given him “a family” is hurtful. We should ALL use caution with our word choices, and when in doubt revert to “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”.
Amen!
I am a perfect case…
4 children under 3
4 girls
26yrs of age
I fell pregnant with them all on contraception
you are given what you can handle…. I suppose people are jealous that they cannot handle what they are given.
Hurrah!!!!! The most wonderful gift that God can give you is children. The lady who had all her pregnancy’s while still on birth control, You are even more blessed because God chose you to have these children in spite of the science behind it trying to stop it. My sister’s 1st pregnancy was a big celebration because she had about 5 miscarriages before they could conceive number 1 child. Shortly after she had number 2 girl not planned but very loved. The next one number 3 was conceived when she had an IUD and I and the rest of the family were very happy for her and her husband. They thought 3 was enough so decided to have her tubes tied and her husband was going for a visectomy. When she went to the specialist for her pre-opp tests before her operation, they discovered she was pregnant with the 4th child. She was a little shocked because they had been using protection, but she said in her mind God’s will be done. The next thing she knew, the Dr. said he had to do an internal, so without thinking, she got on the table. When the Dr. started the internal, she said he was very rough and it instantly occured to her that he was trying to abort the baby. She jumped of the table and said, ” You are trying to abort my baby!” The Dr.’s answer was, “Well don’t you think you had enough kids?” She was very upset and when she got home she told us, her family and husband about it. They both agreed that the baby was a gift from God and they would go on with the pregnancy. Her husband has died now and her children are all grown up. The most beautiful and wonderful girls that anyone has ever seen. We came from a family of seven and are very close. In the 1950’s my mom and dad had a boy. When she got pregnant again, my mom and dad were very happy, but at 7 months, she had a toxic pregnancy and lost the child. Back then was not like now and the medicine was not great. The Dr. told my dad and aunt that he could do no more and the rest was up to God. My mom pulled through and was OK but the Dr. told them if she had any more children she would DIE. She had 6 of us after that and we and she were all fine. So, may God Bless all the large family’s . And thank you for choosing life.
What interesting stories, Rosemary. Thank you!
I am shocked by that one doctor who thought it was his business to end a pregnancy he thought was not wanted–and even more that he admitted what he was doing!! Wow. That takes medical arrogance to the limits…yet I’m sure it’s not as unusual as we might assume.
We sound similar! I have 4 girls…5.5 years from oldest to youngest, #4 was born right after I turned 26. Everyone asks if we are going to try for a boy…I tell them I didn’t TRY for any of them!! My husband says he tried for a boy 4 times already 🙂 All were surprises. I agree about the jealousy. We homeschool, too. I get the, “I could never have the patience for THAT.” Well, you will never have the patience (or be able to handle them) if you aren’t in a situation to work on that particular virtue.
Congrats! I was 26 when my 4th & 5th were born (twins). My oldest was not quite 4 1/2. Now our oldest is 9 and we’re expecting our 8th.
I remember feeling that I could not handle 3 when I only had three. And then it was hard to handle 5 when the twins arrived. Adding a 6th baby was easier, but handling 6 children was difficult. Seven children now has also been hard. But with each baby I am forced to stretch and grow and learn more self-discipline, and more patience, and more selflessness.
I tried to explain this to a mom of 2 the other day when she stopped me in the grocery store to ask how I manage so many children (since they were all with me). She said her husband wanted more, but she didn’t think she could handle more. She protested that she didn’t want to stretch any more, that it was too hard and too painful.
I think that’s a sad attitude to have. In my belief, we are here for this life specifically to learn and grow. Children are an extremely good way to learn and grow, though not the only way. I think in general we should be always trying to do hard things, and doing our best to leave a positive legacy for future posterity, either through children, or through building the Lord’s kingdom, or through contributing in some significant way to the greater good.
Well, I was a friend of a woman who used abortion as birth control ! It made me sick!! Give me a woman that has beautiful children and takes care of them! I know both are hard, but stand up and be a mother!
There are extreme cases. I had a friend who by 18 was pregnant with her 5th child. While her planning isn’t really my business I still felt a need someone talk to her and suggest she use birth control or something. She didn’t have a job or any real way to support all her blessings. In that way having all those kids was a bit tragic because they couldn’t be properly taken care of, regardless if they were being properly loved.
When I was a young girl, the only thing I wanted to become was a momma. I met a wonderful man raising two infants on his own. Within three days I had fallen in love with all three if them. We tried for many years to add to our family, the only success being our grandson. It was God and my daughter’s greatest gift to the world before being called “Home”. I always tell people,”if God had let me have children, I would’ve had a dozen” and conclude with, ” I asked to be a momma, I didn’t specify how I wanted to become a momma”. So in conclusion, if He has in trusted you to carry and/or care for one of his Angels, look upon your job as a parent/guardian/grandparent as such! (An entrusted job from God to care for his Angels).
As the above comments illustrate, part of the problem is just the surprising number of people who want to make intrusive and disparaging comments to strangers. No matter what your situation, they’ll find something negative to say and say it. I’m not up to explaining or justifying THEM.
I think another part of it is our economics of shame, which exists at all strata. For adults trying to make do on wal-mart wages, it’s unlikely they can raise a group of children without resorting to some public assistance. That’s instituted into our current economics, but there are still many who see fit to condemn such people as a ‘burden to our society’ (without even thanking them for our low prices everday). Then there are those higher up the pay scale, who could pay for their kids needs themselves, but then they become targets for competitive parenting. How dare they bring children into the world if they can get them all into the right ballet classes or sports camps? And unless they are quite wealthy, they too will need public assistance or private charity to afford the very real expense of a college education.
There is third phenomenon, I think, which might be muddying the waters here too. It is true that not everyone is happy about being pregnant, and when first encountering a person, there is a risk of hurting their feelings by presuming their happiness. I think the obvious options are to say nothing, or follow the person’s lead. However, it seems that some people feel that by opening with a negative approach , they are being kind by giving the person an opportunity to vent. An odd notion.
I’m encouraged by all the positive responses to this wonderful post. Great post. I have five children, with five-and-counting grandchildren. There was eight years between my first and second sons, and I was nearly 41 when the last child was born. I think I’ve heard all the rude comments re spacing, planning, age etc. etc. “Don’t you know what causes that?” tops the chart for me, though.
That is jaw-dropping chart-topper.
When I was pregnant with my third child and only boy, my husband’s aunt asked if this was going to be my last one because I really didn’t need to have anymore since I had two girls and this one was a boy. Eight years later, I haven’t had a fourth but every once in a while my husband and I revisit the topic. I don’t discuss this with her or anyone else because I get judgement thrown at me. My own sister has said that I shouldn’t have a fourth and would be stupid and crazy if I did. I really don’t understand why people think the size of family my husband and I have is any of their business. People need to stop and think before they speak. When they don’t, they come off as rude and hurtful. People also need to mind their own business.
My husband and I have 10 children, (a yours-mine-and-ours story). I used to mock rolling my eyes at the rude comments and say, “Yah! I think I’m the only woman on the planet praying for menopause!” as if that were the only way to stop the babies from coming. People would stop and gawk at me. I could see them processing, realizing that I’m fairly well educated (BSc in Applied math, BA in Communications and a minor in Physics). It made the rudeness more tolerable for me, and turned the thinking back on the commenter. ~ Mum to 28yo vehicle technician/mechanic, 27yo musician, 26yo house renovator, 25yo missionary (to over 15 countries) and masters student, 24yo ballroom dance instructor, 22yo geological survey tester, 21yo car saleswoman, 15yo boy, 13yo girl and 11yo boy.
Just want to say way to go!
Love this story. As a mother of one boy, aged 3, I find it particularly upseting when everyone (and I mean everyone) is constantly asking me when im having another, my husband and I have been trying for two years and are very sad that it hasnt happened yet. I wish people would consider that not everyone can make babies easily, im very envious of those who can.
I am a new mom of a 5 month old and already have relatives say hey when is # 2 coming? People forget I miss carried before I had my son. If I have a 2nd great if not then that was what my body was capable of having. But I see way to many welfare abusers who have no business having any more kids. I know people who have 1 and so should not have more cause they don’t care for the first kid. Yes they are a blessing and privilege not a pay check! If u need wic, food stamps and free insurance yeah u need birth control. My husband supports me and our son not the f-ing government! Big families are great if u have a big enough house and the $ clothes and all their needs are not cheap.
I always wanted a big family, unfortunately for me it won’t be happening. I have two boys and totally get the comment about having a girl all the time! My boys are blessings from a loving God and I would not change my life at all. All children are a blessing from Him.
I have 5 girls and one boy(2nd born). Almost every new person we meet says ” oh that poor boy”. I don’t think people understand how rude they are being. It’s hurtful and my son (10) doesn’t like the comments. He loves his sisters and is a wonderful brother and friend. I am constantly reminding him of the truth that God chose to place us in this family together and he has a plan and purpose. Yes, he would love to have a brother and he cried when we learned he would have a 3rd sister. And he said our family was “going extinct” (he was 7 at the time). LOL His reactions aren’t as dramatic anymore. He is grateful for his 5 sisters. God willing he will be an amazing husband and dad some day.
You have the same line up as we do! And my little guy is the same way. Though sometimes he gets a little exasperated. He made the comment one day “mom, I just can’t take all these girls!”
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This was beautifully written! I just wanted to say that I have one wonderful 19 year old son and people are every bit as rude to me about having an “only child”. The rude comments are different but just as inappropriate. The worst in my opinion is “what if something happens and he dies?”. I don’t even have a response for that because it is just ridiculous! I love children so people don’t understand why I would choose to have only one. What they don’t understand is that I have so many “babies” I helped raise my siblings so they are my “babies”. My nieces and nephews are my “babies”. Two of my sons closest friends have lived with us for years and they are my children in every sense of the word!!! Children can be gifted to you by birth or by heart!!! I can’t remember now what my reasons were for having one child but I can tell you that it was the right decision for me and my family. I drove a suburban for years because I always had so many kiddos with me and those were the best years of my life. Congratulations to each of you on your beautiful children!!
That was wonderful. We have nine and are proud of our 40 grandchildren and 8 great grand children. They are our treasures.
For a girl still waiting on God’s timing for Children, I too have heard stupid remarks.
Praise God for His plan not ours!
I am proudly 30 wks pregnant with my FIFTH child. And get this…they’re ALL girls (oldest is 10)! You should hear the comments I get! I find when I tell them how blessed our family is that shuts down the negativity quickly. God doesn’t give five daughters to just anyone 🙂
Congrats on your fifth!!
Congrats! I have five boys:)
My parents had 6 girls and then a boy (then a few more). When my brother was born, a neighbour came over to my dad and asked “So, are you going to stop now that you have a boy?” My dad responded “Have you ever heard of a millionaire who stopped at 7 million?”
If we value each child we are blessed and our children are fortunate.
not sure how to coment on the original post but , i just had my 5th daughter, and all i ever hear when im out is ” oh my you have your hands full” or ” wow are they all yours” or ” just couldnt get that boy? ” or my favorite is ” your crazy i dont know how you do it, you must be busy ”
people truely need to think before they speak
It takes an enormous investment of time, emotion, and financial resources to raise a child. A husband and wife choosing to do so make very real decisions about foregoing freedom, flexibility, long term financial security/savings, and often, career opportunities. All of this effort to raise a child who will, hopefully, be a good member of society. Sadly, today that means virtual serfdom to the state and, in the US, those 50% of households that receive a biweekly government check. Most Western countries are slowly dying from the combination of a burgeoning welfare state and low birth rates. When I tell people that my wife and I have 4 children, if I get an incredudulous “four?” Instead of an excited, “four, how lovely”, I just promptly cut them off with a “you’re welcome.”
I have 3 boys each about 2 years apart (6,4,&2) everyone is always “bless your heart, you need a girl” are you gonna try for a girl? They need a sister..
Then as soon as I go somewhere with my niece in tow (I babysit her during the week) I get the 4 children? Oh my you have your hands full. Are you having anymore?
You can’t win for losing.
I wish people would mind their own business about others reproduction. I don’t plan on having more in fact I went and got my tubes tied in November. The fact that so many people wanted me to have a 4th and yet so many people thought I was nuts for having a 4th around (my niece) it’s as if you can’t escape. You are right. Those with one boy and one girl seem to get the better hand at not dealing with the absurd questions and comments. Society is screwed up in what they deem a perfect family. My family of 5 is perfect the way they are.
Reblogged this on Dizzy With Feet Planted and commented:
This is a great read. Don’t be ashamed about having a large family or small one. God blesses us with what He has planned for us. I am a proud mother of 3 little ones!
Hi. I just wanted to say, in my country (Australia), most people see multiple kids as single mums on the dole who just breed for more money. I’m a 33 yr old mummy with one beautiful 6 yr old boy and am trying very hard to have a second. I do think a lot of young people (not every one) who can have kids, use it to benefit them. I won’t deny, their fertility makes me jealous. It wasn’t but pure chance I was able to conceive my boy, and I’m hoping for a second stroke of luck. A lot of people take fertility for granted. I however may not be able to have a second. My thoughts of parents with multiple children… to actually get to my point (sorry), is that if it was for the right reasons, there is nothing wrong with having 3… 4.. 5.. or more kids. Bless you for being able to bring bubs into the world. I have an issue with people bringing bubs into the world for the wrong reasons… ie “I’ve had my kids taken from me coz I’m shit parent so I’ll have another” or “the government will pay for my child” or (which I find the worst of all) “I’ll collect the benefits the government gives me for my child and spend it on what I want in life”
I to live in Australia and I have six and you are right the first thing anyone asks is am I married
I loved reading this. People are so judgmental and negative these days. Well here’s my story…I’m 29 turning 30 July 10th, I have three children, two girls 9 & 6 and one boy who will be 3 August 18th…and they all have different dads. I definatley get judged for that, does it bother me? Not so much as all their fathers are in their life and they were all relationships, not just random guys. As long as the kids are properly taken care of, fed and clean it’s no one’s business to judge. I would love to have one more, but I had three c sections so decided to get my tubes tied. We need to be proud of ourselves, so many women out there can’t even have just one! I would have one for someone that couldn’t have a child. So happy baby making to those who can!!
I have the opposite problem! I managed to have 2 children (boy then girl 4.5 years apart) after 7 years of fertility and miscarriage struggles and I am so grateful to have them and do not want more. People hassle me endlessly about having a third which is just a annoying and offensive! I don’t think it matters what you do, there will always be people out there judging!!!
I have 4 children also! I got married at 18 right after graduating and we got started right away. None of ours were planned, and they are very close in age, 13mo, 14mo, and 2yrs. I had a 4yo, 3yo, 2yo and a newborn. I wouldn’t say it’s for everyone! Every time I got pregnant after my 1st, I would dread telling my family, and other people because of their reactions. Even my sisters reactions were obviously appalled. They’d say “Congratulations….” like “There is so much more I want to say, but this is the only thing that I CAN say.” They made it clear that they didn’t approve.
After my 4th I literally got asked if we use birth control, and what kind. I told them “No, we don’t use any.” It was a lie, but it’s what came out of my mouth. I just didn’t feel like indulging them into my personal bedroom life!
I get looks, and comments ALL THE TIME. It REALLY irritated me up until a year ago. I pretty much just ignore the stares. If they make a negative comment,”You have your hands full!” I answer proudly and in one word answers and make it clear that I don’t want to talk about it. When I get asked inquiring questions, “Are they all yours? How close are they in age? Are they twins?” I smile and look at my children fondly and answer. Because I AM proud of what I’ve accomplished, and am accomplishing. They can’t take that away from me! I am a taboo, I am a young, home schooling mom, with more than the average amount of children, close in age. So there!
And, can you believe it? God has placed it on my heart to have another! It’s not the right timing, but I KNOW just like I knew with my others, that we’re going to have more. I make it known to those who ask, and I can care less what they have to say. I am blessed to have excellent fertility, healthy, easy pregnancies, and delivery, and healthy children. Why should I be ashamed? It is too rare now a days to be blessed with a fruitful womb. I’m not going to take it for granted. Love, love, love -my motto. 🙂 Thanks for this post, it makes me happy.
We adopted our fourth. So many friends and even more family members could not understand why in the world we have a fourth child, yet alone adopt one. As if there was something wrong with us because we were not content with the three children we already had. I love swimming upstream against the current! It’s the most blessed place to be and I love that I have four little fishes swimming upstream with me.
Love this story I to is a mom of 5 and people look and ask me so you are done having kids I just have to look and ask you are my husband .people need to mine there own business and stop making woman who choose to have a big family feel shame about it. So thanks for this story.
I really appreciate your article. We have 5, ages 7, 6, 4, 3, and almost 15 months. I have gotten the same incredulous, judgment, and rude comments. How does having several children suddenly make mine and hubby’s family decisions your business? I’m a devout Christian, and I fully agree that children are a blessing from the Lord, one that takes every ounce of my strength and sanity some days, but my husband and I would EVER go back on, if given the chance of an easier, cheaper, “freer” life. It’s so sad and tragic that because people often limit themselves, they don’t see the wonder and joy that many children bring. (Of course, some people cannot have a large family, or even one child.) I’m so, so grateful for my children, and I hope my family serves as an encouragement and an example of the treasure a large family can be!
As a mum of two (one boy, one girl) I am deeply in awe of mums with three or more kids. I hope it doesn’t come across as rude, mostly I just want to ask ‘how do you do it?’ in the hopes that they will reveal their parenting secrets. I would love to have another one, just need to convince my husband 🙂
Love love this story. I too am a mom of 6 girls one step daughter and a angel baby. All my girls were,annex and I love them all the same. I remember getting questions like were you trying for a boy? Or how many more you going to have? Or the famous one was how do you do it with so many kids? You know I would not trade any of my girls for no nothing, they are each and every one important to me and I have a bond with each. They all have different attitudes, likes, dislikes, and goals and that is what makes them special. I become a step mom 4 years ago to a girl that her mother has little commutation with her. But the way I see it is God blessed me with another child to hold and raise. My girls are 21,19,17,16,14 and my angle baby would have been 23 this year. I now have 3 grandsons and just found outshe is pregnant again this will be baby number 4 for her plus she is raising two more so she will have 6 total. She is following in moms footsteps and having a large family.
I simply love you for writing this. I am one of five children, one brother and four girls. Couples who wish to have a big family are really persecuted by society, which is so sad. This stupid idea that it is your ‘duty’ to plan and to have no more then two children max, or else you will no longer have a decent life whatsoever. I myself had an awkward confrontation with a teacher at school, she was surprised to find out I had so many siblings and made a very nasty remark. She didn’t expect her straight A student to have such a “background”. I am so thankful for the great parents I have, they’re honest, hard-working and have always encouraged us to keep God first in our lives, also for the great sisters and brother they have gifted me. I pray one day the Lord rewards them with 20 times more what they have given to me.
Reblogged this on To a Peaceable Life and commented:
As the mother of 9 children who are all over the world doing amazing things, and the oldest of 11 children, big families are a lot of love and support. I wonder at my little grandchildren, of which I only have 10 so far and what it must be like for those little guys to grow up with so much love and support, from multiple generations! From this perspective, it is unfortunate that those who have so much to give in the way of the better things in life are choosing to have small or no families. Who is populating the earth, with what skills and mindsets? However large your family is or isn’t, make a positive difference in the lives of others every opportunity you have!
First of all god bless all of your families. My husband and I have been married for 19 years and he is 38 and I am 35 we have 8 boys yes all boys together there ages are 19,18,16,15,13,12,10,8 and we don’t go out to eat very often because it get expensive so we go maybe once a month. So this one night we took our kids out to eat and this waitress said very loudly man did you kidnap a few kids before you came in I was so embarrassed I just wanted to punch her in the face.