Tales from the Mommy Trenches

Hi there! Baby Rhea here. My mom didn’t call me “Baby Lady” for nothing. I am a master at proper social etiquette. How else do you think I can wake my parents up several times a night (regrettable, but necessary to maintain my impressive corpulence) and still have them eating out of the palm of my hand the next day?

  
If you follow my simple rules of etiquette, I guarantee you will brighten the lives of all those around you.  I have perfected this art to such a degree that people seem to light up the second I enter the room! I can even have an off day and feel kind of grumpy, and people will still giggle at my grump face. Exasperating, but a burden I must bear. Anyhoo, I will outline my rules below.

1. Wake up happy and smiling no matter how little sleep you got the night before.  I always make sure to wake up bright and early cooing and gurgling and kicking my little legs (but not too much, I have my chubby thighs to maintain). As soon as I see my mom’s tousled hair and bloodshot eyes appear hovering above me, I crack the biggest grin I am capable of. Once I do that, her (undeserved) disgruntled look vanishes immediately. She seems happy to greet me, even if I did demand to nurse every hour since 1 am (again, must keep up with my girlish figure.)
2. Laugh uproariously at every joke someone tells you, even if it is more silly than funny. I humor my parents all the time. They do the most ridiculous things to try and make me laugh, and quite frankly won’t stop until I do. So I’ll indulge them with a giggle or two. How can I not? It makes them so proud of themselves. It’s kind of cute. My older sisters, on the other hand, are hilarious! Seriously, they keep me in stitches all day long.
3. Every time someone addresses you, dazzle them with a bright smile. In fact, I smile whenever anyone just looks at me. You would be amazed at how eager someone is to carry on a lively conversation with you if you just greet them with an enormous grin. In fact, I have found that I don’t have to do much more than grin and make some encouraging noises here and there, and people will excitedly talk my ear off! It really makes me the most popular person at the party, every time. 
4. Don’t be afraid to rely on your loved ones every now and then, but make sure to show them how much you appreciate them.  There is nothing quite like being a baby to make you realize just how helpless you really are. But everyone is helpless at some point in their lives, and it takes humility to allow someone to help you out. Let them perform a labor of love for you! It is good for their soul. But make sure to give them lots of smiles, giggles, and coos letting them know how grateful you are. 
5. Help those around you to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. A ceiling fan! It just spins and spins endlessly and makes wind blow on your face! Mirrors! They show you exactly what you look like! And when you hit dangly things with your hands, they rattle and move around! Feet! They have wiggly toes on them and you can put them in your mouth! (Well, I can, at least.) Don’t let people get all jaded and take these everyday miracles for granted. We live in a world full of wonders, people! A world full of wonders.

  
Well, there you have it. A comprehensive guide to social interactions in five simple steps from a baby. I hope it has proved useful to you. Now go forth and brighten everyone’s day. You know, like when a baby enters the room. (Unless that room is an airplane, apparently. Then, by all means act like a despondent adult.)