Why Stay at Home Moms Shouldn’t be Permitted in Polite Society

In my exuberance to escape the house, I arrived at our meeting place a trifle early.  I proceeded to the restaurant bar to indulge in my first drink in three years, as I had been mostly pregnant for that span of time. I was fortunate to be in between the pregnancies of my second and third child during the event that I am describing. I perused the drink menu and found nothing recognizable. My alcohol choices were less than sophisticated during my college and law school days, and I got married and started getting pregnant shortly thereafter. I finally landed on something I was confident I could pronounce. What could be so hard about “Rose?” (I know, I know.) So laid the menu down and proudly asked the bartender for a “Rose.” The bartender furrowed his brow at me. “You mean, rosé?”, he inquired. My cheeks flushed in horror. “Um, yes,” I responded meekly.

The outing didn’t improve after that. My classmates from my high school alma mater have the most wonderful sense of community, and some fellow Bar members who also graduated from the high school in question had arranged for all of us Wildcat lawyers to meet for drinks one evening. So, I put on the fanciest clothing I owned that I could squeeze over my newly post partum figure (light jeans and a white V neck), tried not to dwell on the fact that my shape closely resembled that of Dolly Parton, and ventured out into the wild. When we were all seated, the waiter dutifully went around our table replacing all of the white napkins with black ones. When he reached me, I helpfully offered him my napkin. He sneered at me and haughtily left me still holding out my napkin with a bemused look on my face. I turned to the attorney next to me at a loss, and she very kindly explained to me that he had replaced all of the other napkins because they were all wearing dark pants (as everyone but me had come straight from their offices). My cheeks flushed again and I felt like the most boorish person alive. I really wanted to have my baby there with me so that I could start nursing her. You know, to feel more in my element and really add some liveliness to the place. (I kid, I kid.) My fellow attorneys were very kind to include me even though I was the only one that hadn’t been practicing law, and my time spent with them was very enjoyable.  However, I couldn’t help but feel like a fish out of water.

Ever since I started having children, my attempts to reenter polite society have been fraught with mishaps. It’s like I have totally forgotten how to behave around normal people. We went to a surprise party for one of Scott’s law school buddies the other weekend and we knew no one but the birthday boy (man?) and his wife. So, after my initial panic subsided, I attempted small talk with some of the women there. It was going well, and I got cocky. I spoke with a woman who was newly pregnant with her second, and she told me she was acutely suffering from pregnancy nausea. She told me Diclegis was really helping (good to know), and I responded that Zofran had worked really well for all of my pregnancies. I went on to describe the unfortunate side effects Zofran had for me. I saw her polite smile immediately disintegrate into a look of disgust. Too late, I realized my mistake. I was speaking to a total stranger, not one of my vulgar mom friends! (And for the record, I only have vulgar mom friends, because you can’t be anything else when you have to deal with so much nakedness and raw sewage all day. And also because prim and proper mom friends are no fun.) She politely excused herself and understandably avoided me for the rest of the party.

And so we arrive to this evening, when my sisters and I and our husbands are going to a trendy new joint (run by another alumnus from my high school) for drinks. I am terrified. The possibilities for another social faux pas are simply to numerous to calculate. When did social situations become my Waterloo?! I used to revel in them. Now, I am biting my tongue to keep from describing the notable events of my day (which usually include: so-and-so bit so-and-so, I had to change no fewer than five poops, the baby vom-ed all over my face, I had to scrub banana out of the carpet, etc.) while frantically trying to recall what the hip twenty-somethings are watching these days. I’m only mildly conversational in “Bachelor” because I have no space in my brain to keep all those girls’ names straight. I’m not sure I can even name the Bachelor confidently. Brian? Is it Brian? Maybe Josh. I do know Olivia is the resident crazy person, so I could talk about her, I suppose.

For me, being in social situations has not been like riding a bike. My social muscles have atrophied from their lack of use. I come home from every outing mortified about whatever error I have committed. Mamas, please tell me I am not alone in this! I know eventually my children will grow up and I will be able to socialize more regularly, but in the meantime, this phase is turning out to be more awkward than my middle school days.

13 thoughts on “Why Stay at Home Moms Shouldn’t be Permitted in Polite Society

  1. KClayton

    This is exactly what it feels like for me too! I used to love parties and fancy events. But it takes a whole lot more effort to change gears to grown up conversation these days.

    Reply
  2. Rachel A. Hanson

    On the flip side, becoming a mom has helped me to be less awkward (or maybe I just feel more comfortable with the awkwardness) in social situations. I still don’t have a lot to say, but I’m much more relaxed about it, haha.

    Reply
    1. sylvia.hobgood@gmail.com Post author

      Teach me your ways! I feel soooooo awkward these days. Like, and “over there is the dorky frumpy mom” awk.

      Reply
      1. Rachel A. Hanson

        Hahahaha – I think a switch just flipped in my brain when E was born and I realized I should stop feeling uncomfortable about being awkward. I’ve always been, and that’s not likely to change, so I might as well do what I can to embrace it.

      2. sylvia.hobgood@gmail.com Post author

        I love it. (Although I have a hard time believing you on the awkward part, because you seem gracious and eloquent in written form 😉).

      3. sylvia.hobgood@gmail.com Post author

        Amen! I really wish I could edit and review everything that comes out of my mouth!

  3. Courtney

    I think we both know, I too never leave the house for this exact reason. People gasp when we pull up anywhere so you can imagine any type of conversation that might happen with said peeps. I don’t even waste my time. I’ll keep the few friends I have. anddd most likely stay home!

    Reply
  4. Mary

    A good friend of mine, and an extremely charming person, told me to just get the other person talking about herself and you are home free. All you have to do is nod and laugh at all their jokes. They will think you have a great sense of humor.

    Reply
    1. sylvia.hobgood@gmail.com Post author

      No ma’am! If I can’t talk about NFP and bare bottoms and poop and vomit with you, move right along 😂😂😂

      Reply

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