Tales from the Mommy Trenches

This idea was inspired by my girl Nell, who is struggling with some debilitating hyperemesis gravidarum (is there any other kind?) right now and could use your prayers if you have a moment to spare.

For this post, I interviewed my intrepid mother. She is the eldest daughter of Cuban refugees and also an attorney turned SAHM. My grandmother dropped her off at her first day of kindergarten neglecting to mention to her teachers that she didn’t speak any English.  My grandmother took it for granted that my mother would learn English in no time. And that she did.

My mom met my dad in law school, and they were married after a brief engagement. She practiced law for a few years, and then had me and my three siblings: three girls and then finally a boy. She is an excellent mother, and I am proud to model my parenting after her sterling example. I fall short often, but it is what I am striving for. I have always appreciated her razor-sharp wit and her valuable advice. She very graciously agreed to my interviewing her. I introduce to you, my mother, Mari.

If somebody had told you while you were in law school that some day you would be at home with four kids under the age of six, what would have been your reaction?

(Chuckling.) Oh, gosh. Well, honestly, it wouldn’t have been that big of a surprise, because I kind of had that in mind already. Until I started having them. And I thought, “this is awful!” (Laughs.) I’m sick, I’m throwing up, etc. When I actually got into the nitty gritty of it, I was like, “whose idea was this?!” But, I survived. I had never been around pregnant women or anything. I thought that surely it was no big deal. I didn’t know anything about it.

So it was kind of a shock?

It was a shock. Just from the get-go, 24 hours a day sick.

Well, what was an unexpected benefit of having four children under the age of six?

There were lots! Y’all played together, and I didn’t have to entertain you. We would go on vacation and I didn’t have to worry about keeping you occupied. I didn’t have children with vastly different interests due to their age gaps. We could always do something that would interest everybody. And of course, handing down all of the toys and clothes with all the girls was easy.  I didn’t have to go out and get anything. The older you guys got, the more I thought it worked out well.  You could go on each other’s dates sometimes, everyone was in college and high school around the same time, so you had stuff in common. The sad thing was when everyone went to college, and they were gone. That’s when it would have been nice to have a straggler. It was too quiet and too boring and nobody else was as funny as you guys were.

What was the hardest thing about having so many young children at home?

Just the physical labor of keeping everyone fed and keeping everyone clean. You would have times when there wasn’t much to do at all and then all hell was breaking loose! I always thought of myself as running a hotel where the service was not up to par.

Yes! I always feel like I’m an incompetent server at a busy restaurant.

Yeah, you guys would act like if you had known the service here was so terrible, you would have made reservations somewhere else.

If you could do one thing differently while you were raising us, what would it be?

I would have enjoyed it more and not been anxious and just known that everything was going to be ok. I was just so anxious about everything all the time and it was so stupid.

Yeah, we all do it. 

What was the thing that all the ’80s moms were most afraid of when it came to raising their children?

I was not your typical ’80s mom. What I was most afraid of was y’all losing your faith. I have no idea what everybody else was thinking.

What was the game changer item in baby supplies when we were babies?

That is a great question.

Why, thank you.

They came out with a bottle that was designed so that babies could hold it themselves and it was awesome. It had a hole in the middle. There was also a little ring with three feet with suckers on them so that you could put the baby in the ring during bath time and didn’t have to worry about the baby slipping under the water.

They don’t have either of those any more! Why is that?

I don’t know! When you’re bathing multiples, they feel more secure. Babies feel very nervous when there are other children in the bath splashing around.

What best describes the trendy parenting style in the ’80s?

Activities. It was ridiculous. You had to be in sports and all these activities. Soccer was the big one. Everyone had to play soccer. Baseball too, because the local Little League team won that year and everyone went berserk. Everyone told me to get in line at 5 am to sign up John [my brother], but I said the only thing I’m getting in line for at 5 am is to escape Communist Cuba.

Yeah, I didn’t join a sorority at UGA for the very same reason. 

How would you describe your parenting style when we were little?

What was that thing in the Wall Street Journal?

Tiger Moms?

I’d say modified Tiger Mom without anything that involves waking up too early or fighting with your kids about stupid things. Like a low-key Cuban version of the Tiger Mom. For example, if they don’t want to practice their musical instrument, I’m not going to make them.

Thank you very much, because I hated the flute. 

If they don’t want to play the flute, they don’t want to play the flute. I just wanted to expose you to all the things, and if you liked it, great! If you didn’t, you didn’t.

What do you think your mom did really well when she was raising children?

She had a very orderly home. She was also very good about proper supervision. And she was faithful about praying for us and praying for her grandchildren.

How did you integrate Catholicism into your hectic life when you had small children?

I didn’t do a good job, really, until y’all started school and I was able to do daily Mass after I dropped y’all off. I think I should have been better about it because it would have helped with all my anxiety. I would just freak out if the house was messed up and all that stuff. Your school had great resources like prayer group, and I got to meet other Catholic moms at daily Mass. Daily Mass was huge.

I can’t wait until I can start going to daily Mass.

It makes a big difference. Also, when I was upset about something, I prayed a rosary. And that helped too.

What words of wisdom would you impart to young mothers?

Learn about your faith and pass it on! And don’t worry, because your anxiety transfers to your kids. Keep a peaceful home, and an orderly home. Pray often, because if you stay close to Jesus and Mary, then they will stay close to you. It is very important to kids to have a sense of order and peace and not have a chaotic home.

Other than the chaos that they themselves naturally bring?

(Chuckles.) Yes. For example, when the kids are in school, I don’t know if people realize how hard school can be on them and it is so important for them to have a safe haven and a peaceful place to come home to. Your house should be a haven of peace for all of your family members.