I met you in the elevator on my way back from the pediatrician’s office. It was just me and Wren, and you looked at her fondly in her stroller. When the elevator doors opened, you very kindly held the doors open for me. As I clumsily maneuvered the stroller past you, I accidentally ran over your foot. “Don’t worry about it,” you assured me over my profuse apologies. “I have three children myself,” you revealed to me. My eyes traveled to your big belly. There was an awkward pause as I wondered if I could assume you were pregnant. “And I’m expecting my fourth,” you admitted. “Congratulations!,” I tell you. “That is wonderful!” I see the relief spread across your face. “Thank you!” you say, and I could tell you meant it. “You have no idea how many people offer their condolences when they find out this is my fourth. Or they ask me if this was planned.” “How rude of them,” I reply. “All children are a blessing.”
As we parted ways, I felt an immense sorrow for what our society has become. When did having a large family become equivalent to a tragic event? Why do people think that seeing a mother with lots of children automatically entitle them to make rude comments concerning her family planning? Countless strangers in grocery stores have seen me with my three little ones and impertinently asked me how many children I was planning on having. I don’t know, person I have never met before. Tell you what, how about next week I will bring my husband here and all three of us will discuss our family planning and come up with a number you find suitable. Or figure out which ones to eliminate if you feel I have too many already. But honestly, the only answer for the impertinent question of how many children I am going to have is: all of them.
And why are people so obsessed with whether a pregnancy is “planned” or not? Does the child from a “planned” pregnancy have more value than the child of an “unplanned” pregnancy? As to the answer to this other impertinent question, my only answer is: yes, God planned for this child from time immemorial, and I will do my best with this life that is entrusted to me.
There seems to be some unspoken rule that you are only allowed to have two children: one girl and one boy, about 2-5 years apart. If you mess up and fail to meet the gender quota of one of each, you are permitted to go out on a limb and have a third. However, you will risk endless ridicule from strangers if you really mess up and end up with (God forbid ) THREE of the same gender. I have never understood this stock portfolio approach to child bearing. If you are looking for variety, you get plenty of that within the same gender, trust me. Besides, I hate to point out the obvious, but no matter what you plan on having, you get what you get. As much as we want to, we can’t control everything. Especially when it comes to child bearing. I’m ok with that mostly because I’m religious, but I’m digressing from the point of this post.
I have three girls who are each about a year apart. This, for some reason, makes people feel uncomfortable. They are constantly trying to rationalize my unconscionable decision to have that many children so close in age with either: 1) that we kept unsuccessfully trying for a boy, or 2) we are “getting it out of the way quickly”. To be honest, I don’t even know what # 2 means. We’re having children, not going in for a root canal. I have stopped even trying to explain to people that no, we just like having children. That just doesn’t compute. Who would have three children close together ON PURPOSE? Because, I mean, isn’t it difficult? And so not worth it? Maybe if I told them I am a rebel who is swimming against the stream I will garner more support. Being rebellious is always cool, right?
Benjamin Franklin was one of ten children (UPDATE: a kind reader has informed me that he was actually the youngest of seventeen!) Beethoven was one of seven, and JFK was one of nine! Every child has the potential to do something great in the world. So please, give the mother of these children the support and encouragement she needs whether it is her first child or her ninth. Because your last child deserves just as much excitement as your first.
And to the lady in the elevator, a thousand times congrats. You are truly blessed.
Between July of 1956 and July of 1961 I had 4 children. 3 girls, 1 boy (#3 in sequence). I was often asked, “Do you run a preschool or a daycare?” and later , “Are you a teacher?” The benefits – all 4 were in or near same development stages, enjoyed playing together, were never lonely. Only problem came when 3 were in college simultaneously – at this point we parents borrowed on a life Insurance policy, lived frugally to assist in the financing (This way their student loans could be paid off earlier after graduation. All 4 graduated in different fields.
Result ? Four competent adults, now in their 50’s, who enjoy each other several times a year and all of whom are willing to help me now that I am in a board and care facility.
As the oldest of 4 children myself (though I have none of my own yet) I did witness that (sometimes) silent disdain of total strangers toward my mother for having so many. Granted, mom didn’t always do the right things, didn’t make much money, or alwayus keep us well-behaved, but she did her best and enjoyed her family. I personally would like 4 or 5. Yes, 5. (My husband may not be so enthusiastic. lol.) I was discussing a similar topic this morning with two friends who are pregnant with their first children: why do random people care when you have a child or not? If you wait people assume something negative. If you have them quickly people assume something negative. Best answer I have heard given to the question “When are you going to start having children?” The answer:”Tonight!” With an eyebrow wiggle. lol.
Keep up the good mommy posts!
I love this story and all the comments! Im a momma to 5 amazing kiddos myself ages 10, 10, 11, 11, and 15. I have one naturally born daughter who is 10 and my other 4 grew in another mommys tummy and when she became unable to care for them God stepped in and all 4 of them landed in my lap all at the same time. We adopted them when they were 3, 4, 4, and 8 so you can imagine the reaction I got from alot of people when I was out and about with 2 3 year olds, 2 4 year olds and an 8 year old! Of course the 2 biggest questions were always do you have a day care and are they all yours? For me I was nothing but proud and excited to tell people YES they are all mine! I struggled to have 1 biological child so for me I didnt ever imagine I could have the large family I had always dreamed of so I always answered with a cheerful and very proud YES every time. I think because of my attitude to the questions people were less likely to judge or have negative comments. I have been fortunate to have never felt the sting of a strangers comments and hope that if I ever do I can keep it together and tell them that every child is a blessing weather planned, unplanned, biological or adopted and I will care for all the children the Lord sees fit to give me!
I’m one of three! In the hospital, after my mom had given birth to my little sister she said a family member called. The family member said congrats, but also added “how many more do you plan on having.” Pretty rude. My mom was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say. After the fact she did come up with a nice little quip she wished she had said: “I don’t know, but it sure is fun trying!” 🙂
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I myself am a mother of four small children and I enjoyed reading your post because I understand where you’re coming from. I do too get many comments (especially from older ladies) of “you have your hands full” or ” oh God bless ya!” And of course people are always saying in regards to a dropped toy or the like – “let me get that for you” But I have gotten a fair share of unknowing/unmeaning rude comments. While pregnant with my forth I had been greeted by the friendly strangers with different variations of – “3 girls, oh I hope its a boy then you can stop”. I do not think this is a matter of getting bent out of shape over idle chit chat, or even thinking poorly of that chit chatting person. What I think this is about is addressing the fact that our society in a short amount of time (40 years or so) have been conditioned to think that children are a burden, family, especially a large family prevents the mother (women) from having “real” careers or from obtaining wealth and material possessions – “Ugh, I’ll never have a nice house with these destructive children in it.” I am a Generation X baby and can tell you with certainty that while growing up Nothing that I watched on T.V., read in a book, learned from school or listened to on the radio EVER taught me that motherhood was a joy, a blessing, or a great honor, or even natural. What I was taught was that I can be a man too, Family life and being a housewife equals slavery and a dull existence, and that I was free to behave sexually any way that I want. Such examples are Shera, Alien’s Ripley, T2’s Sarah Conner, Who’s the Boss, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Salt n Pepa and No Doubt – and that’s a tiny few. So kudos to you mama of four and may God’s blessings continue to fall on you.
Preach! Love it. Thank you for your comment
I love this post and this comment! I’m only.in my 20’s and have two beautiful children. I personally don’t know how many we will have but I fail to see how its anyone elses business. However growing up I always knew.my job was to be a mum, because God told me, but when people would ask what I want to do when I grow up and my response was be a wife and mother they would say “why? You could be anything!” I quite like my role in life and wouldn’t trade it for any male.dominated profession and we’ll stop having kids when we know for certain that our family is complete
Good for you!
This is so true, and so sad. I absolutely love families, but then I am one of 9 children (never a dull moment, but lots of very LOUD ones), and also I noticed growing up that communities based around families are amazing, yet they hardly exist except within the Church, thus reinforcing my view on families being vital. But nowhere else was this taught to me. I think we need to do our best to change these images of society – and where better to start than with our own children.
Being the parent of an only child, an 8-year-old daughter, I’ve experienced the same kind of incredulity and rudeness, only for the opposite reason. Complete strangers have asked why we only have one or have lectured me on the unkindness of dooming a child to a life without siblings. Many people have asked, “Don’t you want to try for a boy?”. We don’t want pity or passive-aggressive, holier-than-thou reminders that large families are a blessing from God (even though we agree 100% that they are). Our daughter is a blessing, too, and we want to focus on being thankful for the one child we do have and walking fully in the Father’s unique plan for our three-person family.
I get the same comments only having one child, 5 year old Boy. Are you planning to have another one? I always respond, I’m not sure yet. Always leads to more and more questions by strangers.
Amazing post! I feel exactly the same way, that my friends and family would shun me if I decide to have more than two children. What is the point of treating people badly about the number of kids they have?
I’m pregnant with number four. Thank you!
Congrats on number four!
No shame here!!! Never crossed my mind to care what others had ‘planned’ for OUR family. Well written article but sadly this Mother let others ignorance shame her, hopefully she quickly learned the beauty & blessings she beholds ❤️
I have 4 kids under 13 and I would love to have more I just can’t tho every one ask me why I have so many kids my answer is that I love kids and I have always wanted a big family
I have two kids, my “set.” A boy and girl 4 years apart. The comments that I get are along the lines of “now you have one of each, you don’t have to try anymore.” I would like 3 or 4, and when I tell people that, they always say “maybe 3, but 4 ! Are you crazy?!” I too, love having children. My husband and I have fun with our kids and can’t wait for more. Maybe we are crazy !
Mother of three boys. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you.
If the parents love their children (and will therefore take care of them) it doesn’t matter how many they have.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion and we choose how to let that opinion make us feel. Getting upset or caring what strangers say to us is a waste of time and energy. If someone that I don’t know says something to me that I don’t agree with or has potential to leave me feeling badly I try to say something to them that will leave the conversation on a positive note. I got lots of practice! My husband and I didn’t have children until we were married for 10 years and I can’t tell you how many times I was asked why I didn’t have children followed up by when. I always tried to bring humor to the situation “We most be doing it wrong! Do you have any tips?” Life is too short to care what others think! Be a positive force in the world!!
My oldest is 10 and I have 8 kids, five that are five and under. For me sometimes people are so surprised by the sheer amount of little people. I usually set them at ease by joking that we are working on trying to get our own reality show or say we are trying to catch the Duggars. But by being positive and happy I have never had anyone come back with a negative comment. I wait for it. I brace for it. But it hasn’t happened yet. I count myself lucky on that score.
Hi Katie, I’m the oldest of seven. I know how hard my parents worked to raise and feed us. My mom cooked everything from scratch, made her own bread, and worked full time in the beauty shop in our home. We didn’t have much but we ate well, we were taken on vacation somewhere every summer, and we knew our parents loved us. Kids now are very spoiled and they are given too much. They don’t appreciate anything.
I think you were crazy for having eight kids but that is because I know I couldn’t do it. You have to be a really special mom to have, care for, and love so many little people. Even in the ’50s my mom took potshots from people who looked down on them for having all of us. Good luck with your family. Don’t pay any attention to the rotten comments. Some people just have to have someone to put down so they can feel good about themselves.
I have 3 kids and they are all girls, but very much a blessing to me. I love my kids and would not trade them for the world. People tend to have issues though seeing as I am a young mom at 24 and my oldest is 6. My first two children were born 14 months apart to the day and my middle child and the youngest were 33 months and 1 day apart. Strangers, friends, and even a few family members have made the comments “Are you crazy” “Do you know what birth control is? and many more hurtful questions sometimes with my kids even around. None of my children were “technically” planned, but I wouldn’t trade a second or change a moment with them. They are my world.
I want a big family myself, and I am close to a family who have 3 children and none were ‘planned’, their youngest is 5 and eldest 19, they couldn’t be happier! They say “It keeps you young! We’re really big kids inside” you’ll never hear them complain about any of their children. I think I would hate to have just 2 children, raised with only one sibling myself I never had much of a connection with her and I wouldn’t want the same for my family. So basically all I can say is for maternal/paternal people, don’t care about the criticism, you have a big happy family to support you and love you, what else do you need?
I had to laugh when I read your article. That was me when I was a young mom of 6. I too was asked if I was Catholic or Mormon. I was asked if they were “all” mine while my children were standing right there. Strangers asked if I knew what caused it. In the grocery store I was asked if I used birth control. At the park I was asked if they were planned. I was asked if I wanted that many. I was told that to be socially responsible I should have had only 2 children. And oh my, when I had their little cousins with me too, then I was asked if I ran a day care! I was always taken aback at the brashness of strangers questions and never sure what to say. I felt like I had to defend my personal choice. And then one day, someone asked again “Are they all yours?” and I said “Yes! and I enjoy every one of them.” The reaction was complete surprise. And backpedaling. It never occurred to them that a mom might enjoy a large family. And the backpedaling was “Oh! my mom is from a big family, my best friend is the 8th of 10 etc.”. I learned from that experience to not be defensive of my choice to have a large family, but to show pride in my children. They are all grown up now, and I stand back and am amazed at the kind, loving, generous, funny, compassionate, strong people they have grown into. And I know that all their strengths come from what they learned from each other in our big family.
The other observation I have is the comments here about being overly sensitive to large family/ pregnant again? comments… Please feel free to tell me how darling or well behaved my children are. Ask me their ages or their interests. You can even comment on how blue their eyes are. Please don’t ask me if I am having more of them. Casual conversation with a stranger in the check out line involves the weather, something funny you both see, or a mutual frustration of sorts. If you don’t know the person well enough to ask them the balance of their checking account, or if they had an orgasm that morning, don’t ask them if they are having more children.
Hahahaha. Love the last couple lines! I have used quite a few zingers when people pried into my life. I usually say “Why do you want to know?” That puts it on them and shows them how intrusive they are being.
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When pregnant with my fourth baby in 1988 I was asked by the disgusting consultant if all these children was by the same man, and yes they were and married now 34 years, but the main point how dare they ask such a thing. It don’t matter who fathers the baby you and the baby should have 100% care.
I am a mother of 6. My eldest is 18, my youngest is 6 months. When some at my work place found out I was expecting again, most of the reaction I got was supportive. One lady in particular was very nice and offering advice on morning sickness etc…, the next she was cold stand-offish and a bit mean. I later found out that she had 1 child which was a struggle to conceive and that all efforts since had fruited nothing. When I came to understand this, I understood her and took the mean days on the chin because I saw how much she longed to be a mother of a newborn again. Was she jealous? She sure was, and some might call that childish and immature. I just felt it was human. I actually don’t think there’s many more nobler things to yearn for than to be a loving mother. Yes some people can be mean but for the most part isn’t intentional. Those that do….don’t waste your time and energy stewing over them and what they say. Like many others have commented they don’t know you. But you know you so be secure in you and who you are.
This story is so beautiful and your comment rang so true for me.
When first trying to conceive i fell pregnant after 4mths but unfortunately miscarried. A fortnight after this one of my best friends found herself with an unplanned(but truely loved) pregnancy. She didn’t know how to tell me, but when I heard i was overjoyed as I knew it would be loved and i planned to keep trying. Our other closest friend decided that she’d like to have children around the same time and fell pregnant within 2 months… I was still trying. As the months went on my jealousy and hatred grew. Not for my friend who hadn’t planned her pregnancy, but for my friend who did and fell almost immediately. In my head that didn’t make sense but my heart didn’t agree.
Both baby’s were born and the second friendship wained as I couldn’t control my jealousy at her obvious joy.
It took 14more months for me to conceive and it was a scary touch and go (illness, kidney problems) pregnancy, but my gorgeous daughter finally arrived on her 40weeks due date. But she wasn’t well.
By this stage both my friends were again pregnant and breezing through their glowing pregnancys already having a healthy child each. again the contempt i had for my friend who just has everything fall into place for her.
Over the next year my daughter conquered her issues and grew, thriving with our love.
My friends had their 2nd babies and again everything looked to be happening easily for them. But by age 2 it became obvious that my (2nd) friend whom I had been so horrible was now the mother of a child that had something not quite right going on. He wasn’t achieving goals and never spoke. But she never spoke of it and I was never game enough to ask as our friendship had become strained through my jealousy.
I never got to have anymore children. I had trouble both conceiving and carrying to term when I did. But I’m happy with my one blessing for she is now 16 and a gorgeous well adjusted and plolite person.
I’m no longer close to those friends. One moved away and we lost track of each other. The other our friendship never recovered from both my jealousy and then in turn hers at how my child came through her issues but hers will never.
In the end we all are given the blessing and challenges that god sees we are capable to deal with. I know that my jealous reactions were wrong but at the time they consumed me. It took a long time to realise that I wasn’t being punished each time i miscarried.
In relation to the initial story though i relate directly to this as the mother of an only child, the amount of times I’ve been accused of being selfish for not giving her a sibling astounds me. Why do they feel the need to judge me?
But then i remember i judged my friend for having it easy with her pregnancys and children…how wrong i was!! We are all just living and doing our best.
Thank you for this. I understand completely. I thought people would be as excited about my third child as I was, however, they seemed more intent on finding out how many I planned on having. I wanted to scream and tell them I’d have 20 if I wanted because they would be the ones cleaning up baby puke and buying clothes-I would. What’s so wrong with just saying congratulations? And frankly, I’d love to have a fourth or even twins but I dare not say that out loud. Your article was great! At least I’m not alone in feeling this way.
We have three wonderful children who are all so special to us
Our children were VERY MUCH wanted and loved. we adopted all three. before our children were born one woman told me to my face how lazy I was not to have children at that time. I cried. she had no idea how her words stung and all of the doctors’ visits. i believe God givesus the children (and how many) that we are blessed to have. To even answer any of those ignorant commants I would just ignore them rather than submit to their ignorance by answering them. God bless you and uour family.
Thankyou for opening my eyes up! I just realised how negative I can be when I see others with large families! (Maybe it’s a tinge of jealousy) You’re blog was wonderfully written and I promise to change my attitude from now on! 🙂 xx
I think it’s awesome that you have enough self awareness to be cognizant of how you innocently may have made people feel and now vow to change it.
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I agree with Paula-Lynn. I’m sure 90% of the time, the person has kids and is trying to empathize with the amount of work you have on your hands. I don’t think they’re saying its joyless or wrong.
Thank you Paula Lynn. You said it perfectly. this lady was definitely taking ALL comments personally and out of context. She was mind reading (assuming the worse), which tells me that she has some personal issues. Wait ! Now I’m mind reading…..lol.
I have one and thats also not really accepted especially when you’re married. that also makes me mad and no its not sad for my son! I also feel I need to justify myself and no I dont work 5 days a week and have a kid on the side.
and yes it hurts and its easy to say, people do think they can say whatever they want without thinking about what they are actually saying.
so for next time when you feel the need for smalltalk Think of how it affects the other before you decide to speak. I rather have silence than stupid remarks!
We should just have each others backs cause raising kids is beautiful wether you have one, two, three, four, five…
I have 2, elder is 6 years and younger is 1 year and 5 months. On the journey of life we were working in an Orphanage in India about 2 years ago and there I almost ended up mothering another 5 girls. I love them beyond anything in this world. However some time ago they came and started telling me about the abuse they have been experiencing from the Director of the orphanage. The Directors wife knew about it, his entire family knew about it and most of the missionaries who supported this mission home knew about it and I fail to understand how on this Godly earth did they all allow this to happen?? Finally when things went violent for the girls (the youngest was 11 years and the eldest was 15 years) we approached the Govt and local Authorities who raided the place and arrested the Director. Later he was bailed out by his brothers and now they are spoiling my husbands name that he asked them money and for not getting it he did so. Unfortunate for the children they are in the Govt homes and will be there for a long time. Please pray that God opens up doors where we will get legal custody of these girls. All 5 of them. 2 are out with the family members but we are frantically trying to search them My husband is combing places where we think these children live. Pray that God will unite us with the kids again and he will provide for all that is needed. He know best what we need. Pray for my husband as his life is in danger while he is out searching the 2 kids.
God bless and give many many children to us to raise. We would love doing it.
Praying for you and everyone involved
There is this really great women who shops in my store (I work in a Christian bookstore) and she has three children. I hadn’t seen her a little while, so when she came in a few weeks ago I saw that she was expecting and I was thrilled for her. Mostly because many kids in a family is no big newsflash to me. My mother has 21 brothers and sisters and I am the oldest of 9.
I don’t understand why people get so bent out of shape about idle chit chat. Instead of taking everything strangers say to you so personally, try being thankful that that person is talking to you instead of ignoring you. No wonder people never talk to anyone anymore, they are afraid they are going to say something offensive so they don’t say anything at all. If I knew how many times I could have taken things personally I’d be a very unhappy person, I just laugh at their inappropriate comments because I know they don’t intentionally mean to hurt me, why would they? They dont’ even know me…. their intention is not to hurt but to engage. I wish more people were engaging, maybe we wouldn’t be so afraid of being out in public.
Have you ever heard of the age-old saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all”? I’d rather have someone not talk to me at all than say something totally impertinent and something that’s really none of their business in the first place. If you’re going to compliment me on my children, fine. If you’re going to make idle chat about the weather, ok. If you’re going to comment on the great deals going on in the baby food aisle of the grocery store, you’re welcome to it! But don’t comment on my “lack of family planning” or how “busy” I might be with my children or make compliments that are only ostensibly compliments, but have a different meaning behind them (“Oh, they’re such busy boys!”). You’re a stranger to me. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, so don’t presume to know enough about my life to be able to offer an informed comment on my life or my family. I, personally, am not a person who is easily offended, but I am not everyone else, so keep your comments to yourself, especially if they’re not nice in the first place.
Idle chit chat includes asking a pregnant woman how? why? If it was expected? I vehemently disagree. Maybe if we were more thoughtful of our responses to “idle chit chat” appropriateness would persevere and people wouldn’t feel bad about having a big family, which I believe was the purpose of the entire article. I’m truly glad you can blow it off, but people do need to be considerate and not “blow off” how other people make them feel. Most times in the supermarket I talk about coupons. I prefer not to engage the person who says, “Wow! you have your hands full.”
I have 4- my oldest is 5 and my youngest is 4 months. Honestly, I get way more positive feedback than negative. Anytime older ladies see me with my kids they get a smile on their face and tell me that they had 4 or so themselves and loved it. I get plenty of the “you have your hands full” comment, but it’s not always meant as a negative. Maybe it’s just where I live, but so many people seem happy for me to be blessed with 4. It always amazes me to see others getting put down for for their number of children.
If people spent more time enjoying their own family, working on their own selves and being happy within; they would spend less time trying to make others feel less worthy. What a lovely post, thank you for writing it so eloquently.
I always remember one visit I had with my father; I had my two boys, and I told him I was contemplating getting my “tubes tied”. He looked at me and kindly said what if you get marry again and he wants a baby? I just smiled. Five years pass bye and sure enough and my lil angel got here. I felt in love with her at soon as I saw her, she is 19 years old and my life. Seven years ago I lost one of my sons to a street crime, and I thanks God for the opportunity to have met him and to have listen to my father back then. My children are a blessing and they will always be a reminder of me in this earth. Children are the light in our hearts.
When I was pregnant with our fourth child the comment I received was you must be Catholic! We are catholic but that has nothing to do with anything. We have 3 boys and although our fourth child a girl was a surprise she is a blessing every day.
I have enjoyed reading all the responses to your blog. Having 8 when it was not “cool” to do so was interesting to say the least. Comments heard during my day: “Do you own P.J.s”? “Don’t you have a TV”? And of course the usual one “Do you know what causes this”? One lady just kept giving us the meanest looks she could muster. I learned to smile and keep on walking with my head up high. As my kids grew and asked about “why” would someone say something like that. I told the older ones “they have no idea what they are missing”! My kids were born late to me in life. My last and second set of twins (naturally conceived) came to me when I was 42. I am 58 now and still have the last 3 at home. We home-educated our kids. Live on way under 45k a year and always have. I have 3 more years of home-educating to do. The 3 oldest are in college, they are working their way through – without debt. The 4th oldest has just taken a full-time job as an asst.mechanic for a local school. I don’t say any of this to brag. Just want to state the facts. Not only can it be done, it has been. I am living proof !
One more thought: someone once asked me – “how do you do it”, “I can’t stand the two I have”. I was so sad for them I almost cried! Children are a blessing – only YOU can make it a cursing.
Thank you so much for this comment. I only have one so far but my husband and I are open to having a lot or a few depending on where God leads us! He is from a family of 9 and they were all home-educated. We plan to do the same (as far as the home-educating). We also currently live under a 45K a year budget and I’m sure we won’t really get over that in our life, with the kind of job my husband has, and with me staying home. I really struggle sometimes with the whole “how do you do it, I can’t stand the two I have” mentality. I love my son but I miss my independence and my social life sometimes. I agree when you say that only you can make it a cursing. And I know that I often need to have a better attitude about everything. This comment from you was just very encouraging for me, as we are thinking about having a second one soon, if it’s God’s plan! 🙂 Thank you for leaving it!
I always think it’s weird when people say things like “well we have a boy now, but we’re trying for a girl because we’d like ‘the set'”. Huh? You’re having children, not buying end-tables.
LOL
Thank you…I am pregnant with my 6th. My children are 7, 6, 4, 2, and if our stillborn angel had lived we would also have an 11 month old. Fortunately, we live in an area with a higher percentage of large families…but we still get comments, especially since we work in Africa most of the time as missionaries. What God has given, He provides for.
The most common comment we have gotten through the years is, “You know what causes that, right?” Of course we do! I have a more colorful comment for the men who ask. 😉 Everyone who knows us knows we have 4 beautiful kids. What may not be as well known is that we’ve also lost 4 during pregnancy. That’s 8 pregnancies in a 16 year stretch. Medically speaking my wife shouldn’t have been able to conceive any of them but God granted us to love 8 and care for 4. They are each a tremendous blessing and extreme challenge all in their own unique way. Sure my hair is turning gray. Heck even my beard and mustache are now turning gray, but I wouldn’t change or trade anything for the Life God has blessed us with in Jacob, Bailey, Halle Grace and John David. Of course heartache might have been avoided had we taken different measures, however, the depths and heights of Life and God’s love would have been missed. I look forward to the day I can hold all 8!
What a wonderful tribute to your family you’ve written here, leaves tears in my eyes. Congratulations.
I think the judgement goes in all directions. We only plan on having one child and we get judged or even scolded by people with multiple kids. I can’t stand this ugly part of our culture. I know women that desperately want kids and can’t. I’m happy with what I have. People that openly judge others are not happy enough in their own lives. Period. I only hope that children are loved and nurtured…..the rest is not my business. I say good luck to folks with several kids. I’m trying to imagine the teen years 😉
my sister in law and brother have been trying to get pregnant now for almost 4 years, in those 4 years I have been blessed with 2 children. I sat my sister in law aside the one day and told her that if they wanted I would have a child for them, the feeling of having a child is so much more than people can understand. I wouldn’t trade anything in the world not to have kids. My kids are my world and I would love nothing more but for my brother and sister in law to feel the same joys and experiences I have got to enjoy.
Try having kids 18 years apart. People thought we were nuts and I had to tell them yes, we DID plan on having her, even at my “advanced maternal age.” I WISH I could have had a large family. As it was, we had three (one in Heaven) and that had to be enough for us. I wish people would just mind there own business and let those who WANT large families have them without comment.
I have 7 beautiful children and each and everyone of them are a blessing. I always received looks and comments. It used to bother me now I take a negative comment as jealousy.
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I’d like to say something mean about the American dream, but that’s been done enough already. Congratulations on having a big family, and I hope God continues to fill your life with blessings, whatever you may need.
I can see both sides of the debate, on one side, it is no ones business but the couple deciding to have or attain children and to have as many or as few as they decide. On the other side of the fence, I can see how people in 2014 are thinking more about the big picture and are concerned and question those that choose such large families when it is completely apparent that the world is overpopulated and food and fresh water are already too scare for the current population, in addition, it is more financially and emotionally difficult to raise children in this decade than even the last….as most can attest, gone are the days of the (typical) one income household being able to provide satisfactorily for a large family. The biggest concern for me, is have these parents thought about the state of the world they will be bringing their children into? what will the world be like in 20, 30, or 40 years?, will your kids be able to have kids? will your kids have food and fresh water? will they get untold cancers just from breathing the air in 20 years, or will they breathe through filters every hour of every day? will the world be in war and chaos as it fights for the last of our resources? My one question to parents of large families is: IF YOU KNEW THAT THE FRESHWATER SUPPLY WOULD RUN OUT IN 15-30 YEARS, WOULD YOU STILL BRING CHILDREN INTO THAT ENVIRONMENT? I ask not in ignorance, but in honesty…I am struggling significantly in deciding whether I should bring children into this world, and if I do, what will be their consequence in inheriting a dying world? At this point in my life,(I am 32, well educated and make over $100,000 a year plus my husbands salary) I ask myself, what is the point of bringing a life into this world if it will have a lesser quality of life than I have?, particularly in the decades to come. I know we can`t predict the future, but these are questions our parents NEVER had to contemplate. I feel these are very serious and relevant questions if you are considering bringing a new life to our deteriorating world. It is scientific fact we are ruining our world and its just a matter of time before the earth can not sustain us or our needs ie;running out of space, food, water, not to mention global warming. How do we of this generation deal with that balance, the want (its not a need) to have children, yet the knowledge that we are on a downhill slide and the fear of what the future holds for children we bring into this world? Thank you for your honest thoughts on this, Signed, a confused and distraught non-parent.
You need to have faith that god will provide all your needs. Period. Only the love of god is greater than the love a child brings. Sure struggles will come but children are worth it.
I ask you to imagine the mother of great leaders that changed our world, such as MLK, and ask yourself if they had thought the way you do, would our world ever have evolved? If the mother of MLK decided that she was not willing to have a child because it would live its life in oppression, what would have become of the entire civil rights movement and everyone that benefited and continues to benefit? The world is certainly not perfect, but I would challenge you to think of a way to teach your child (or children) how they can make a world changing contribution and address the concerns of the future. I bring my children to this world not because I am okay with their inevitable suffering, but because I believe each child is the hope for a better tomorrow. I believe every child (and adult) has the opportunity to change the world, and eventually some of them will!
TRUTH
People throughout history have lived in hard times, war and famine. I believe that I am not in control of what happens next but God is. I don’t put my trust in humanity, I’ve seen what people can do to each other. I put my trust in God who care for me and my children in any situation.
I had to make a comment on this 🙂 thinking about having children? if you want children then you should have children. Thinking what the future world will be for them is always hard and that makes it hard to want to brig them into this world, however what about WHO you might bring into this world? Every child is important and your child could be the one that saves our water supply! Id our grandparents had said you know we are in the middle of a war, there is a depression and barely enough food to get by we wouldn’t be here having this discussion. If everyone said you know the nuclear bombs are a huge threat to our children maybe we shouldn’t have any then a lot of us wouldn’t be here. We can’t live our lives and make our decisions based on what might happen in the future. We need to live out lives and teach our children to change the future! Go ahead, help make our future great and nurture your children to make this world a better place.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your OWN understanding. In ALL your ways, acknowledge HIM and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (emphasis mine). Do you believe the Bible is true? It does not say we will be without trouble (it says we will), but to take heart because HE has overcome the world – John 16:33, His Word also says over and over and over that God loves us, wants us to trust him, and will provide for our needs (not our wants, our NEEDS – Philippians 4:19). We may see trouble in the world around us, and having children is never without sacrifice but the gift of a child is matchless in the joy and purpose parenthood brings to your life. Best of all, when you allow them to, children refine your soul to make you more and more like Jesus, and they give you a special glimpse into the perfect Love that God has for us, HIS children. God has “plans to give you hope and a future” – Jeremiah 29:11. We cannot see the future, but we can trust in a God who is GOOD, whether or not we endure trials and suffering in the world around us. Its the heart that matters most to God. (1 Samuel 16:7).
Wow… my thoughts reiterated. Not intentionally trying to sound caustic but I couldn’t help and think of the moronic (yet somewhat sounds plausible) movie Idiocracy.
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Great read! We have 5 children; 2 boys, 3 girls. They first four are all 18 months apart, the last two, two years. Through the years I have heard many comments about our family, mostly when they were little and I was out by myself. Some people were very rude. My favorite was alway: “Do you know what causes that?” my answer was always “Yup! And we really enjoy it.” But usually I just laughed and called them my blessings. God always blessed us. With each child, my husband got a raise. Next month they will all officially be teenagers: 19,18, 16,15,13. I can’t wait. So far, this is my favorite age. ENJOY, your family !!!. They truly are your greatest blessing.
I also have 5 children 2 boys and 3 girls as did my mother too. All my kids were teens at one time its not as bad as it sounds! They are now 25,24,21 20 and 20 🙂 ANd I love them all to pieces…
On Sunday afternoon my son will leave our home and join a club baseball team for a few months traveling here and there everyday. It is his dream to live baseball. At the conclusion of the baseball season he will go off to college just one week later. He has chosen a major that will take him 12 years to complete. From my perspective today it feels like he is leaving forever. He will probably not return home to live with us again. Oh how I miss him already and he hasn’t even stepped out the door! We have two children. The first grew up and got married and I miss her daily. Now our son will go and I dread the loneliness without his voice around the house, without his dirty socks and shoes and baseball gear and all his stuff laying everywhere. I will miss him taking a nap on my bed because he likes it more. I will miss him sitting next to me on the couch watching endless lists of baseball video clips of millionaires playing baseball in stadiums. I will miss him complaining about girls at school and all the related drama. I will miss planning his next date and deciding where to take the girl for dinner or whatever activity. I will miss getting his school report cards and seeing all of those “A” grades! I will miss having him laugh at me when I can’t figure out what square root of 64 is! I will miss going to McDonalds to eat $1 ice creams. Our home will be spotlessly clean now. Almost sterile! It will feel dead for a while until he comes back to fill it with more dirty socks and shoes and toys from grandchildren. To all the people who think children are bothersome and trouble…. get a life! I would gladly fill my home with children again. I miss mine already and my son hasn’t even left. Just 4 more days to have him home and then it’s finished. I am a sad, happy, lonely, joyous father who wishes he had more children but no matter how many times we tried, it just did not happen.
As a mother who raised six beautiful kids in the 80’s and 90’s I can tell you I offered no apologies to anyone or explanations for my life. When someone offered their comments or critiques, I told them to Mind Their Own Business and look to the logs in their own eyes. It’s a culture war we’re in.