I met you in the elevator on my way back from the pediatrician’s office. It was just me and Wren, and you looked at her fondly in her stroller. When the elevator doors opened, you very kindly held the doors open for me. As I clumsily maneuvered the stroller past you, I accidentally ran over your foot. “Don’t worry about it,” you assured me over my profuse apologies. “I have three children myself,” you revealed to me. My eyes traveled to your big belly. There was an awkward pause as I wondered if I could assume you were pregnant. “And I’m expecting my fourth,” you admitted. “Congratulations!,” I tell you. “That is wonderful!” I see the relief spread across your face. “Thank you!” you say, and I could tell you meant it. “You have no idea how many people offer their condolences when they find out this is my fourth. Or they ask me if this was planned.” “How rude of them,” I reply. “All children are a blessing.”
As we parted ways, I felt an immense sorrow for what our society has become. When did having a large family become equivalent to a tragic event? Why do people think that seeing a mother with lots of children automatically entitle them to make rude comments concerning her family planning? Countless strangers in grocery stores have seen me with my three little ones and impertinently asked me how many children I was planning on having. I don’t know, person I have never met before. Tell you what, how about next week I will bring my husband here and all three of us will discuss our family planning and come up with a number you find suitable. Or figure out which ones to eliminate if you feel I have too many already. But honestly, the only answer for the impertinent question of how many children I am going to have is: all of them.
And why are people so obsessed with whether a pregnancy is “planned” or not? Does the child from a “planned” pregnancy have more value than the child of an “unplanned” pregnancy? As to the answer to this other impertinent question, my only answer is: yes, God planned for this child from time immemorial, and I will do my best with this life that is entrusted to me.
There seems to be some unspoken rule that you are only allowed to have two children: one girl and one boy, about 2-5 years apart. If you mess up and fail to meet the gender quota of one of each, you are permitted to go out on a limb and have a third. However, you will risk endless ridicule from strangers if you really mess up and end up with (God forbid ) THREE of the same gender. I have never understood this stock portfolio approach to child bearing. If you are looking for variety, you get plenty of that within the same gender, trust me. Besides, I hate to point out the obvious, but no matter what you plan on having, you get what you get. As much as we want to, we can’t control everything. Especially when it comes to child bearing. I’m ok with that mostly because I’m religious, but I’m digressing from the point of this post.
I have three girls who are each about a year apart. This, for some reason, makes people feel uncomfortable. They are constantly trying to rationalize my unconscionable decision to have that many children so close in age with either: 1) that we kept unsuccessfully trying for a boy, or 2) we are “getting it out of the way quickly”. To be honest, I don’t even know what # 2 means. We’re having children, not going in for a root canal. I have stopped even trying to explain to people that no, we just like having children. That just doesn’t compute. Who would have three children close together ON PURPOSE? Because, I mean, isn’t it difficult? And so not worth it? Maybe if I told them I am a rebel who is swimming against the stream I will garner more support. Being rebellious is always cool, right?
Benjamin Franklin was one of ten children (UPDATE: a kind reader has informed me that he was actually the youngest of seventeen!) Beethoven was one of seven, and JFK was one of nine! Every child has the potential to do something great in the world. So please, give the mother of these children the support and encouragement she needs whether it is her first child or her ninth. Because your last child deserves just as much excitement as your first.
And to the lady in the elevator, a thousand times congrats. You are truly blessed.
I’m a happy mother of 7 blessings, raising them on the shoestring of my husband’s modest salary. My heart goes out to people who can’t have children. When we start to worry about money and things we “need”, I remind myself, my husband, and my kids that we have 7 healthy children, and everything else is secondary. We trust God for our true needs. When my kids comment that we don’t have the “stuff” that the neighbors have, because we have so many kids and not a lot of money, I tell them that we are the RICHEST family in the neighborhood, because we have the MOST children, and they are PRICELESS!!
As a Mother of 5 children, I am thrilled to read your story. When I was pregnant with #4, I would hear things like “you’re having Another baby??!!??” or “What if you get another boy?” though my favorite was from my sister-in-law “with my 4th child, life just seemed to get a little easier.” (lol, She would know, she had 10!) Though really, I wasn’t ostracized too much over yet another child, because I live in a state where large families are common, and even ones the size of mine aren’t considered ‘Large’ — although the older ladies in my church congregation who each only had 2 or 3 children sometimes would make remarks to me. I have, however, received numerous comments on my age — I am almost 40, and my youngest is 15 months. Yes, indeed, imagine having a baby At MY AGE!! Well My Mom did, as did my mother-in-law.
I can’t say that having 5 is any easier than 3, but I dearly love ALL of my children, and the trials and sicknesses I endured during each of their pregnancies just makes each of them that much more precious to me. Just as I know that my parents loved all of us (I am blessed to be youngest of 9, yes 9, children).
Reblogged this on Sprout and About and commented:
This is beautiful. Having a larger family is NOT something to be ashamed of and if a woman tells you she is expecting her fourth, fifth or tenth child the correct response is always “congratulations!”
It is hard to not leave a comment on this subject. I came from a family of six kids. My dad came from a family of 10 kids, my 1st husband came from a family of 8 kids, his dad came from a family of 10 kids. My 1st husband died, and I remarried to a man who had 5 and I had one from my deceased first husband, then we added 2 more to our own “Brady Bunch.” We had 6 girls and 2 boys. I love them all. My second husband got sent to prison and then deported out of the country. I then began foster parenting while raising my 3 daughters as a single Mom. I have single parented for 20 years and I have also had 43 foster children that I have raised as a single Mom, in the last 12 years of fostering children. I am a blessed woman. I live to raise children. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, they are work, yes they can cause trouble. But, guess what? The joy that I experience in my daily life is SO GREAT! I wouldn’t have it any other way! God blessed me now so far with 4 biological grandchildren and about 20 grandchildren from my foster children and I love it! Life is good! I wouldn’t give one back. Children are an inheritance from the Lord and one of God’s most awesome blessings that He can give us. Thank you Jesus for all the blessings you have given to ME!
Amazing. Thank you very much for stepping in and caring for all your foster kids. If not anything the smile on their faces and our faces should be a reward and reminder that you are awesome. God keep blessing.
To those who have large families, you cannot imagine how much you are envied. Sometime around my 16th birthday I was informed that I would probably never have children. At 29, and after 6 confirmed miscarriages, I had my little man. Ten years later, we still hope for another, but now we are planning on our next one through adoption. Enjoy the large families, they are a pleasure many of us dream of.
Hopefull, you can still have that large family, as you already know, it’s called adoption. I’m adopted and the folks whom I call my parents, couldn’t have kids, so I came into their life as a baby. They’re the only parents I know and I’ve NEVER been treated any different. Whether adopted or biological, you can still have the same love, instill your beliefs and raise them to change the world. The only difference between you and them is DNA. In my life experience, that’s a tiny detail. My parents have showered me with love, taught me to be a respectful and loving person and strive for my dreams. Hopefull, if you still want that large family, go for it! If you and your husband want it bad enough, you’ll create the best family of adopted children that could make some biological families jealous. It’s not the DNA that makes us family, it’s the love we share. Best of luck to you! 🙂
As a happily married woman with one step son and two miscarriages I can only imagine that people who question or in any way attempt to make a mother of any sized family feel badly, guilty, or ashamed is simply – simple. To those women braved and blessed with any number of children and who are raising them with a spouse/partner and not off of tax payers YOU ARE AWESOME AND KEEP IT UP heaven knows that this coming generation will need some solid, well raised, hard working, reality placed, dream driven individuals to innovate and lead.
I have 5 girls and just had a little boy (11wks). I get those looks and questions too.. I love all my children.. I love having a baby in the house!! All of mine where planned even if I wasnt expecting it..
I also have 6. It’s fun when people start counting them! It’s like they see the whole crew but they can’t believe it so they start counting.
I am 1 of 5 children and I always knew I wanted a house full of kids. Even 30 years ago my friends would ask if we all had the same parents especially with the large gap between the older 2 and us younger 3. (Yes we do.) I had trouble having children so got started on my brood later on. Long after the birth of my 1st 2, I remarried. What a whirlwind that was and still is! Although we didn’t plan on having more children (he had 2 boys and I had 2 girls, and we weren’t exactly young anymore), we were blessed with another boy. We definitely worried about the financial aspect of having another child but somehow you find a way. (And God has blessed us in that area as well, when the need has been there.) We’ve gotten a lot of looks and rude comments on the size of our brood but we don’t care. We are actually trying for number 6.
Me personally, I don’t comment or ask anyone anything about the size of their family whether they have no kids or 10. In the many years of married life before I had children, insensitive people asked why I was childess only to find out I had lost many pregnancies. You never know what others have been through. I have 9 children in heaven I look forward to meeting someday and I welcome all God decides to bless me with here on earth.
With three boys only 3.5 years apart and then having daughter I often get the comment “oh wow, fourth time lucky hey”…WT!!!
Ummmm no four times lucky thank you, and yes I did plan on having “sooooooo many kids”, “we do own a TV, however making kids is way more fun” and “yes, they are ALL mine”.
I am the mother of 6, I am 32, my children range from 14-5. I have heard it all. People always ask if I’m done. I feel like I’m suppose to say “yes”. But I don’t want to be done. Yes I work full time and so does my husband. I went back to school and got my nursing degree when my youngest was 5 days old. If it weren’t for the fact that I need a bigger vehicle and to finish rooms in my house, I would have more. But just as one reader stated, I’m not sure how I would tell everyone, even family. Because even family will give us those comments. I love my big family, yes it’s crazy at times, but just as my doctor stated (the father of 5 boys), “after 3 chaos is chaos”. People ask how I do it? I just do, I do it for my family! And yes I have been asked if they came some the same man. Really who has the nerve to ask that question!? So just because I have 6 children I “sleep around”? When my kids make comments about how some people have nicer things I ask them “would you rather have your siblings or those items?” They all answer that they wouldn’t give up their family. Oh and you know the question I love “Are you Catholic?” Which I am, then they reply “that explains it”. BTW I was not born into the church, I converted and have always wanted a large family.
I grew up the youngest of four living children (my eldest sister died as an infant). I wasn’t planned, but I know that my parents still love me just as much as the others. People always thought we were a big family. I loved always being around people and I cannot wait to have my own family.
I come from a family of 6 girls. All of us from the same parents. The first 3 of us are 14 months apart. Then the other 3 are more stretched out. My parents love each of us the same. Mom couldn’t use birth control for several medical reasons. When i was born, she bled a lot and wasn’t supposed to have more babies. But here came the other 3. We almost lost mom and the baby from her hemmoraging. After the last one, the doc took dad aside and made an appointment for him to get a vasectomy. No more babies. I don’t recall anyone saying anything to my parents. Of course this was in the 60’s & 70’s.People had bigger families back then.
As a mom of 7 I get comments all the time like “Don’t you own a TV” You need to get a hobby” Are they all yours?” My husband always gets the comment “Wow 7 kids! How many Mom’s?” To be honest #7 was not planned and I cried for weeks.I was terrified of telling my family and friends and waited till I was almost 5 months along to do so. When my little number 7 came into this world it was the same as all the other times I was instantly in love. And yes my life may be a little crazy and I may be a little crazy too,but I have been blessed with these beautiful children. I wouldn’t have it any other way. My children are 19,16,13,5,4,2,1
I just read this and you have no idea how this has made me feel more better about having my third. I just recently gave birth via c-section to my second baby a girl and she just turned 6 months old and I am now pregnant with my third and I haven’t told many about this pregnancy the reaction I always seem to get is WHAT!! not one person said congratulations and I too see babies as a blessing I feel relieved that there are people like you out there God bless your life and that of your family
Congrats on your third!!
I know just how you feel. We have 7 blessings and after the first few, only my very closest friends said the “congratulations” I was hoping for when hearing my news of another pregnancy. (That showed which friends Truly understood me!) But I have found that if you have a positive, cheerful attitude when letting people know, they are more likely to respond in a positive (or at least neutral) way. Don’t be apologetic when telling your wonderful news!! I have found a few standard cheerful replies to common questions/comments. I like to say things like “Yes, God has really blessed us, hasn’t he?” and “Thank goodness I have all these kids to keep me young, right?” — showing people that you are happy about it, so they should be happy for you! May God bless you richly – and maybe with more kids!! – and Congratulations on your 3rd gift from God, Olivia!
What?!?!? Honestly, I just teared up reading that no one has congratulated you on your pregnancy!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!! This little one IS every bit as much of a blessing as your first and second. I’m so sorry you aren’t getting the support of your friends and family. But I bet this one absolutely steals their hearts the minute they meet him/her 😀 LOL! I have this vision of grumpy, judgmental people meeting your third child and just melting into smiles. God has some big plans for this one!
I had 3 boys and daddy said that is it and had a vasectomy. I would have gladly had 3 more as I was only 33. Now that I am in my 50s I wish I had more. They grew up so fast. They are all great kids and I love them more each day but my husband and I miss them so much. They did what we raised them to do and flew away, but we sure love it when they come home. Now we are having our first grandchild and we cant wait. I do see some people having 6 or 7 kids but it is rare. If they know God and raise the kids to know him I say have as many as you want. They are a blessing and big families are great. Now that I am older I know how important family is. I am one of 5 and love my family more than ever now that we have lost Mom and Dad. Babies are a blessing! Be proud when you carry them they are a gift!
THIS. is a wonderful article. i do not have any children of my own, but i am the oldest of 6, and grew up listening to every insufferable comment from old ladies passing us by at any and all family outings. unfortunately, you either “get it” or you don’t. a very worthwhile read, at least for those who get it.
I recently had my 4th boy and I know exactly what you are talking about!! Through my entire pregnancy I was asked if I was nuts, if I was sad he’s not a girl, if he was planned (he was), and why my boys are so far apart in ages (12, 9, 6, and the little guy)!! Honestly I started noticing that people from bigger families were much more supportive and didn’t ask as many questions. People who were only children or one of two, and people that have no kids, seemed to think I was absolutely nuts. Some still do! When I was pregnant with my third my own mother tried to get me to put him up for adoption because the father left me. (My second son is autistic and epileptic and has a cognitive functioning level of about 9months, he decided when I told him I was pregnant that he didn’t want to be around any more….my mother didn’t believe I could handle things on my own)
My fiancé and I have our new little guy, my three boys and his daughter!! And I couldn’t be happier with our crazy huge family!
As the father of three little girls each a year apart, thank you for this post. You so beautifully and eloquently captured the sentiments of my wife and I. It’s so refreshing to hear someone courageously stand up for moms and families with more than two children. I cannot tell you how many times people have chided us or made insensitive, ignorant or hurtful comments. This was truly uplifting to read. Oh…and the next time someone asks me how many children I will have, I know what to say…”All of them.” God bless.
I had to chuckle to myself when I read this article because I have heard these comments and much more! I am the mother of 7 (one died before he/she was born) and would have had more if my husband had not had a heart attack in his early 40’s. He was scared to have anymore because he was afraid he wouldn’t be around to see them grow into adults. He had wanted more.
My favorite comment was “Haven’t you figured out what causes that yet?” to which I would reply “Yes, that’s why I do it.” It ceases to amaze me that strangers, even family feel the need to tell you what you need by saying “You don’t need anymore children.” or the many other negative comments. I have never asked any of them to help me raise my children or give me any money, etc. so why does it bother them so much if we choose to have a lot of children. My husband likes to joke about not staying home because of the noise so maybe family thinks he is under stress or didn’t want that many, but I can assure you, it was his idea each time. He is an awesome father and takes great pride in all his children. We love having a big family! To anyone that says they can’t afford it, I say, you find a way. Sure, we don’t eat out like we did when we had 2 but the blessing of my children has been totally worth it!!
Pregnancy and the birth of a child should be a happy occasion so why do people feel the need to take that away from the parents? Just because that person chooses not to bless their home with lots of children, why do they feel like everyone else should follow suite?
I am one of five children in my family. Once at a dentist appointment, the assistant asked if we were all from the same mother.
I confess I’m guilty of the line, ” You know they’ve figured out what causes that. Right?” But only in jest, and never to strangers.
Every child is part of God’s plan and I’m blessed to be expecting my second when my daughter will be almost 8, even though we didn’t “plan” this one.
Bless all the mothers who have the physical strength as well as the mental strength to have and care for many children. It is a
wonderful and very difficult job for it involves a great deal of one’s emotions and is exhausting, depleting, so leaning on God and doing all to God’s glory is extremely helpful plus remember to take care of yourself so you will be there for the children.
Beautifully said. x
I am a single mother of the most amazing 6 boys (15, 12, 10, 9, 7 & 5) God has so abundantly Blessed me! But you wouldn’t think so because I can’t even begin to tell you all the comments I have received over the last 10 years as my family has grown from the “did you plan to have a big family” to “your crazy”! Which I reply with a smile “yes I am…crazy about my children!”
I am divorced now so it is just me and my boys and this day in age I hate that I have to tell people that “they are all mine and they all have the same dad!” I guess such a large family these days by the same two parents is a rarity.
Sometimes we are like a side show attraction with all the stares and questions. But I would not trade a single second of my crazy full of controlled chaos life for anything! When we are out and we hold hands and say grace I hope it touches someone, I hope that seeing our family and how much love their is and all the boys smiles makes someone’s day! He chose me to be their Mom and I couldn’t imagine a greater gift then that!
Love the article! Long overdue…
Hello, I’m the oldest of 7 girls. I have no brothers but has always wanted 1. When I was younger people would ask me how many siblings I have and I would tell them 6. I am 20 now and I have one sister that’s 18, 16, 15, 8, and two that are 4. I would have had a brother when I was 8 but he was a still born and died on my birthday. I geuss God had other plans.
I know u must be wondering are they all from the same parents. No we are not. I have 1 awesome stepsister and, 3 wonderful halfsisters. Although we have never really looked each other as half oe step sisters. We are all sisters.
My father is in the military and my stepmom and 2of my sisters move around. While the rest of us are in Texas. But when we get 2gether it’s like an all out girls nite. The oldests watch the little ones but we some how have tons of fun by doing our nails, or facials.
But here’s the catch 2 all this. Even though we are all not from the same perants and people ask me this a lot, there’s a kind of relief in peoples eyes. As if all of us from the same perant is a terrible thing. I feel that God has brought a broken family together through us sisters and we are slowly mending it. But to be honest I wish we were from the same perants maybe then we wouldnt have to be so far apart.
Growing up none of us had much money but we all knew how to cook clean and even wash clothes by hand. We would work together and she each other’s makeup, or clothes, or jewelry, even shoes. In the end we had more then wat ppl thought. Now though two of lives in Mississippi, I live farther down in Texas, one of us is joining the navy, then last 3 still live in a small twon on 78.
I never felt ashamed, more proud. Both of my moms love having kids but they come to the conclusion that its enough. I don’t care what ppl think. Its great having this many sisters. I know people root for my dad, which are usually the men, but others have looked down on him, even doudting him. But they don’t realize he risked his life for us. We know our father. But my 8 and 4 yr old sister they know their father as well. We’re not all from the same perants all the think is wow seven girls… its sad really.
Great post. All children are blessings. What I am stunned over are the comments. People seem to think that you have to be either pro large family or pro environment/small family. People are missing the point. There are many factors that go into family planning. It is very personal. For some, the ability to provide for the children that we have (without taking into account God’s blessings) is a very real concern. It is not always possible to be a stay at home mom, or to live on less in a very high cost of living area. Some people want to be able to give their children the gift of a wonderful private school or higher education, which they would not afford if they had more children. A larger family may place undue stress on a marriage that they are already working hard to keep together. It doesn’t always need to be that one decision is better than the other. I don’t want to be judged for not having a larger family, just as much as I will not judge others who choose to have one.
My husband and I have five children. Our second and third children (daughters) have a rare syndrome Joubert Syndrome. They have physical and mental challenges. When the doctors figured out what they had we were told if we had any more children they had a 25% chance of having Joubert Syndrome. We waited a couple years and after many prayers we decided to have another child. While at an OB appointment I was afraid of what others would think. He told me too many people worry about others reproduction and it is none of their business.
When my daughters’ pediatrician at the special needs children’s clinic found out I was pregnant she asked me if I had ever heard of birth control. Oh brother. Little did she know that I had to take fertility pills to get pregnant. Our son was perfect and we had one more daughter and then knew we had all the children we were suppose to have.
This is so sad to me. All that matters is that this woman loves her babies, and she gives them the best life she can muster. Who knows if she has a husband or partner, and it shouldn’t matter. We don’t know her story. I got pregnant with my daughter at 20 (w/ my first sexual partner, which may seem like an odd thing to say, but it will make sense shortly) who I lived with, and love, and am now married to. Just two months prior to getting pregnant, our family OB/GYN who had treated my mother for years since she had terrible endometriosis that caused her to undergo a hysterectomy by age 24, tearfully told me he had run many tests and told me that unless a miracle occurred, I’d never be a mother. My uterus was just not functional in that way. My husband (boyfriend at the time) held me as I cried, and told me he’d stay with me, because if being a dad at some point meant not being with me, he’d be just as happy with it being just the two of us. God heard our prayers and 2 months later, I was pregnant. My whole family, and his, was overjoyed. However, everyone else I knew gave me the “oh poor you” looks and asked me if we planned on keeping the baby, and I got dirty looks from people who looked at my swollen belly and immediately to my left hand and shook their head as if to say, “Oh, just what this country needs, another young un-wed mother depending on the government.” My “friends” who I had known most of my life said awful things behind my back, calling me a whore or a slut, assuming I’d gone wild and gotten knocked up by a one night stand. We are now a very happy self-sustaining family of three, and have been trying for 9 months for another baby, and my 4 year old daughter prays to Jesus every night for a baby brother or sister. I know God gave us a miracle once already, giving us her, and I have faith that when it’s our time God will give us another child, whether it be from my womb or through adoption.
I’ll pray for the momma in your post, and hope she no longer gets those mean questions, and gets to enjoy the heck out of her four precious blessings. Thanks for posting this, and sorry I was so long winded sharing my story.
Thank you for sharing! God bless your family.
PREACH! Signed, mother of four – 5 years between births
Having children, of any number, is a personal choice and no ones business but those involved. Yet there always seems to be someone with an opinion. I have 3 girls, including a set of twins. I constantly get asked if I’m going to try for a boy. My reply is that my children’s worth is not based on their gender. However, I don’t go into the difficult pregnancies and life threatening deliveries. Each person has their own cross to bear. Unless you’re God, you better not be judging.
I wish I had not bought into the world’s idea of children. I have only realized in the last few years the mistakes I made when young. I know now that all children are blessings. I wish I hadn’t used the pill or allowed my husband to get a vasectomy 10 years ago. If I knew then what I know now, I would have 20 little blessings – when not on the pill I was immediately pregnant. Unfortunately my oldest is 20, my younger two are 12 and 13. I will never have more because of listening to the world. I am so jealous of the friends I’ve only met in the last few years who are letting God control their families. They are so blessed and happy. They have beautiful families although they learned late like I did and are 40 and pregnant with #4 or anxiously awaiting the pregnancy of #5. They likely missed many like I did believing the lies that we couldn’t afford more or that children are a burden.
Thank you to all the women and their husbands who believe that children are all blessings from the Lord. Thank you to all the women and their husbands who trust the Lord when having their children. Thank You, Lord, for all the beautiful families You created, big and small. Thank You, Lord, for my children. Thank You for allowing me to finally see children as the blessings You give, may all mothers see their children the way You do.
Beautiful comment. Thank you.
Why even care?? Just go with what works for you and your family! Working moms feel guilty, why? Mothers that choose to only have one child feel guilty, why? Quit worrying about what others think and enjoy the blessing! I had five children and then married a man with two kids the age of mine. I would not change a thing and never wasted one precious second of life worrying
My mother is one of nine and only had me. I have three and a husband who works long hours at the hospital. Which means most if not all parenting falls to me. And it can be exhausting. So yes when I see someone with four and five and six kids I am astounded they have enough time, energy, and resources to meet all their needs. My kids are well behaved because with three bad behavior is simply not an option. I’d run screaming down the street and hide in the woods. So I simply can’t fathom having another I love kids and when I see a baby hold a baby or watch my now toddler master yet another skill taking him that much farther from being my baby that pang hits. I quickly slap it down with a broom. Harsh comments are rude and it’s no ones business if a family has one kid or fourteen. But you can’t be shocked when people look at you with your kids in sheer awe. And yes people ask questions because they are curious. My oldest is 20 my youngest is three. And the looks we get are usually along the lines of did I have her in seventh grade. It would take to much of my time to say yes she was born while I was in seventh grade to my half sister who is fifteen years older then me and died of cancer. I roll my eyes as they do the math and go about my day. Because I couldn’t care less what someone thinks about me, the number of kids I have or the age range. So why do parents with more then the current norm get their panties in a twist when it happens to them? The reason we are shocked is we no longer live on farms and ranches you don’t need a mega bunch to work the land. In fact we have over populated the planet and are destroying and depleting resources at an alarming rate. This is why people give you the side eye. So what ignore them and walk away.
We have 6 grown children. Between the “God bless you’s” Were many many rude comments. From “don’t you know how that happen?”s to” watch some TV for a change!” But not leaving out my personal favorite….”I hope your husband has a good job!” We were not burdens on society and it is no one’s business how many children another family has. Usually those making the rude comments either have no children, or did have a couple and are trying to have daycare and school raise theirs. I am a stay at home Mom and always have been. Our children are contributing to the world around them in wonderful ways. I pity those that don’t see the whole picture and put silly reasons in front of family. I LOVED your article. Thanks for sharing it!
I have three myself so far. And I have to admit that I’ve been on both sides of this proverbial fence and though every child born deserves a chance there are some parents who I am disgusted with their reasons behind so many children. . . Money is the biggest one, to self admittedly have a child just because you want a bigger welfare check is ridiculous. But these families were the reasoning behind my shock at other legitimate families and that was wrong on my part. I love children and realise that if means allowed, I would have as many as I could. But the planning one still gets me, mostly because we are planners. But the biggest reason behind this is health related. And I’m learning now that even that can be better than I thought it could. I thought it was a drain on the mother and possibly require you to stop nursing an older sibling. And this brings me to my intended question. Did you nurse your girls, and no I’m not trying to lecture anyone on the importance of breastfeeding. I’m only asking because I love nursing my children, and currently my youngest is two months old and we are not planning, we are letting nature take it’s course. So given that it is possible, how does being pregnant and nursing go. I find info on tandem nursing, but not with babies so young. How do you know if something changes in your milk and if it does can you ride it out or do you have to supplement. As I said, I’m a planner so if I’m not going to plan when it happens, I’d like to know how I can make it the best possible healthier for all involved.
I got pregnant while nursing twice, but I am ridiculously fertile. If you are constantly nursing on demand and the baby nurses through the night, it is extremely unlikely you will get pregnant before the baby is six months old. I highly recommend the Creighton method of NFP if you want to make certain you are not getting pregnant while bf-ing. Otherwise, my supply did dip a bit when I got pregnant, so I weaned. My OB seemed to think that bf-ing past 20 weeks could raise your chance of premature labor. But then again, I have heard of lots of women that nursed throughout their pregnancies and then tandem nursed.
I am pregnant with my fourth, and was still nursing each time I got pregnant. Although it is possible to get pregnant while nursing often (even tandem!) before 6 months, the reality is for most women it just doesn’t happen. If you exclusively nurse (or pump every few hours) and don’t have a stretch of more than 3 hours throughout the entire day (including nighttime), for MOST women that’s enough to keep fertility at bay – natural child spacing. The earliest my cycle came back was 12 months, the longest 17. And each time it only came back after I stopped nursing or pumping as often (I worked, and I barely respond to a pump after 12 months). I actually had to go 6-9 hours without during the day consistently for awhile before I got my cycle back. Supply does drop while you are pregnant, although there are safe ways you can help boost it.
My eldest nursed right on through, regardless of supply, and then I tandem nursed them. My second nursed for a while, but after my milk completely disappeared following a week long work trip she self weaned (I think she was 26 or 27 months). My youngest is still nursing at least 3 times a day – he’s 19 months and I’m 22 weeks pregnant. I’m hopeful he’ll make it all the way through. It was so much easier to nurse the newborn with help from the elder child! No worries about initial oversupply, clogged ducts, or difficulty latching.
Oh, and all of my babies were born at 40+ weeks, so at least for me, premature labor wasn’t an issue.
Since you mentioned the Creighton Method of NFP, I would also like to say that it is great, simple, and really brings a couple closer if you work on it together. It also works the other way – to help you achieve pregnancy if you are trying.
In addition, for those of you who want to have children and have been unable, please check out fertilitycare.org These doctors use the Creighton Method and Naprotechnology to diagnose and treat health issues that sometimes prevent a couple from conceiving or carrying to term. Of course, we can never solve all problems, and God is ultimately in charge, but there are sometimes simple steps that can be taken to help a couple who never thought they would have children to do just that. They treat things like endometriosis, polycycstic ovarian syndrome, recurrent miscarriage, etc. They can even help with postpartum depression and menopause symptoms. It’s worth a look!
Thanks for this!
I love this! I have four girls, 7 year old twins, 6 year old and a 8 month old. When I found out that I was pregnate for the fourth I was worried what people were going to say but more in the negative way like some of the comments in the article. I got nothing but positive remarks. I also then remembed that what does it matter I am married to the man of all four children and we are happy, you are you to tell me how many I can have and when. I do now get are you going for the boy, you should! Which makes me smile that people are urshing me to have fifth! Thank you for this article and showing people that it is not their business and that their not the ones taking care of them. So of they don’t have something nice to say don’t say anything at all.
I have 4 children. My last two is a set of twins. I would LOVE to have more, but sadly can not. My twins look nothing alike, and people always ask “wow, you had them one right after another didn’t you!?” I reply with “I sure did. A whole minute between them” lol My son is larger than my daughter. Well, I can’t have more children, so I take care of everyone elses. I’ve always loved the sound of children laughing, and yes even when my children aren’t home I miss their fighting too. Kudos to all of you who don’t let people’s comments bother you, and to those who are offended by it, don’t be! Love them, be proud, and don’t let anyone talk you down!
God bless the parents, specifically the courageous Mothers who chose to bear several children. We need more like them in this society today. Having 4 children makes much more sense than 4 vehicles or 4 computers! May all their children grow into caring, healthy, loving successful adults. What a wonderful world this would be; The way God intended!
Love this post, I love children and I currently have two lovely kids and planning on a third but with alot of caution due to my CS scars hopefully I will get a go ahead next year YAY. For me it’s two things, First – being african society expects you to tough it out and do natural birth so am constantly looked at like a weakling who couldn’t push hard enough. the second is when they hear I want at least four kids, they go ballistic (ironical coming from a place where most women start giving birth from as early as 18 depending on how it happened). I turn a deaf ear and I tell them as long as they aren’t my gyna I dont care what they think. Funnily enough the rude/insensitive comments are from women who have never given birth or not married or married but don’t have kids and regardless of how they carry themselves I can tell they are miserable
Jeeze when did 4 become a big family?! I want 4 because it ISN’T a handful! (1 of 8 here)
hahaha! I was thinking the same thing! I have 3 brothers and never felt like we were a large family.
Unfortunately many people have a single, negative stereotypical image of large families. We now live in a society where it’s more acceptable to say: ‘You’re pregnant with your fifth?! Oh no! What are you going to do?’ instead of ‘You’re pregnant with your fifth! What wonderful news! Congratulations!’
Family size is nobody’s business but the couple involved. Nobody should be ashamed or need to explain themselves, whether they have no children, one child, or 10.
I am a mother-of-13 and also wrote about Why Having a Large Family Doesn’t Give You the Right to be Rude: http://www.largerfamilylife.com/why-me-having-a-large-family-does-not-give-you-the-right-to-be-rude/ and When a Pregnancy Announcement Doesn’t Get a Good Reaction: http://www.largerfamilylife.com/2010/02/25/when-a-pregnancy-announcement-doesnt-get-a-good-reaction/
(Do remove these links if you think inappropriate to share).
I have 6 wonderful children, ages 30, 20, 19, 17, 16, and 13. I am so glad that they are mine, I went through many of the same things. I appreciate someone writing about some of the things we’ve had to go through as parents of more than 2 children. Someone was always saying,
“Don’t you know what causes that?” I know, How rude, right? I wouldn’t change a thing about our decision to have them. I still have 4 of them at home. Three have graduated and my 17 year old will graduate in 2015. I am proud of them. I am a grandparent now , too and I am enjoying every minute of it.
I have 6, the first 5 in less than 10 years, (now ages 20-30 b,g,g,g,b) and a 14 yo daughter. Yes,, I got the “hands full” comment a lot also, but I received it as support and encouragement. Each one is unique, has different gifts and strengths, and interests, and all together we are well balanced.I LOVE asking moms of many in the store “May I give you a hug? I have 6 kids, they are older now, but I remember the long mommy days…..” none have refused.
I hate to say this but I think with so many people (mainly those with a large number of children) on or abusing the welfare system, it makes some people out there judge mothers when they have multiple children, assuming that with so many children there is no way they can afford them without welfare. Is that always true? Of course not! Should they judge either way? No of course not, but let’s be serious here, there are just too many people abusing our welfare system & when I see women on their sixth child & on welfare I know my taxes are going to them & it upsets me. If you can’t afford to take care of your children yourself then please do society a favor & postpone more children until you have an education & a career. For those mothers & fathers supporting their own family–thank you!!! You are doing society a great service.
Thank you! I’ve got 4 girls, ages 4 and under, and I love them to pieces!! This is so well put, I just had to chuckle 🙂 The question we hear most is, “So are you going to keep trying for a boy?!” I want to say, “‘Try’?? We don’t really have to TRY… we just act like married people and see what happens!” 😉
I absolutely love this! Thank you! I’m the oldest of six. My mom had someone ask her if the reason she had so many was because she was selfish enough to need that much attention. I was lucky enough to find a husband who is the 4th of eight kids and wants a large family as well. Honestly, I feel like I have to explain myself when I tell someone we’re expecting our third less than a year after we had our second. Thank you for the encouragement!
I couldn’t agree more that each child deserves just as much excitement! Intentionally falling with our third we sent out lovely little photo announcements of the pregnancy…partly because it was cute, fun and unique, but partly because we weren’t confident we would get an excited response. His arrival is close and fortunately now people are supportive and on board with our growing family
I love what you wrote. People sure do have strange ideas about something that used to be so common! My favorite was the lady who stomped/stormed up to my wife in Walmart and blurted out “FOUR!!!???!!!” My wife doesn’t grove on confrontation, so she tried to talk to the lady some…while her two kids behaved like heathens around her legs. So after a few minutes of trying to politely explain why we like having a large family, my wife finally just said, “Lady, if my kids acted as bad as yours, I wouldn’t want four either!”, turned and walked off. I would LOVE to have been there!
I’m from a family of 10 children, and I am #4. I am proud to be from a large family and we have lots of fun together yet today as our children have had lots of cousins to hang out with. My mom told me one time that when she was having lots of babies within a few years (10 kids in about 18 years time) that someone actually called her a “sow” That must of hurt her deeply!. She was a great mom, did lots of gardening, laundry, sewing, and just loved us the best she could. She prayed for us all regularly as well as her grandchildren and great grandchildren. That was a blessing that many don’t have today. She taught us to love God and one another .We miss her now that she has passed on, but she has left a great legacy behind.
She sounds like a wonderful woman
Oh my goodness! I loved your post! I’m pregnant with my fifth… we really messed up and had FOUR girls ;0) They are the loves of my life! But alas, this one is a boy, so according to everyone it’s good because “we can be done now”. I have encountered every question you mentioned as well as MANY unkind looks! I never understand why it’s anyone’s business! Those close to us are very happy for us! This precious baby will be my parent’s 20th grandchild and they couldn’t be happier. Babies are a blessing! We feel so blessed that God has entrusted us with these beautiful spirits! I appreciated your post so much! Thank you for your story!
Congrats on your fifth!!
I am the mother of 5 wonderful boys..can’t imagine life without them. My baby is now 18.5 and my oldest is 28. I believe I have heard everything from the “don’t you know what causes that” to “do they all have the same father” (yes, though many times I really wanted to say “nope..5 different ones, or, I think so, but I’m not 100% sure..ha) and, of course the classic “still trying for that girl huh?” We’ve gotten looks everywhere we have gone. And, yes, most of the time we did cause a scene of some sort. We were once told at a Shoney’s restaurant that “I’m not sure if we have a big enough table for your group” huh…we’re a family not a group. And, once at a Wendy’s drive thru, we were told that next time “we would have to come into the dining room because ours was too big of an order for the drive thru”…we still laugh about that one! I wouldn’t trade my big family for anything in the world,and, if I could have, I might have (maybe) had one more. I always wanted a big family, even though maybe 1 or 2 didn’t come at the exact time we were thinking, they are still amazing. Congrats on #5, don’t listen to the negative remarks..and there will be lots…but just smile and come up with some sly remark to make them be the ones that feel bad!
All I can think is “large families = large carbon footprints.” We’re not in the Benjamin Franklin & Beethoven-era where large families were norm due to lack of birth control, short life expectancy (or babies/toddlers/children commonly died young), majority of mothers were homemakers, etc. Can you not imagine what would happen if everyone continued to have large families in modern times? With each passing generation, shouldn’t we be more environmentally aware?
Is it ever your business how many children people choose to have?
the way I figure it, if God is making these little ones, he’ll make sure there’s provision for them <3
You need to retrain your brain to think the opposite. Large families actual equates to a smaller per person carbon footprint. I have 7 children and I used the EPA’s carbon footprint calculator on my family. The calculator can be found here http://www.epa.gov/climatechange/ghgemissions/ind-calculator.html
For my family we have a 75% smaller carbon footprint pet person than the average American. Granted we are probably a little more green than most. Our commuter car is a hybrid, we purchase 50% of our electricity with green energy credits and we recycle twice as much by volume as we trash.
But you can easily do the comparison in your head. We are cooling one house to 76 degrees for 9 people instead of cooling it to 74 degrees for the average family of four. The same goes for heating, water, food and other resources that are now distributed across more people. From a mathematical perspective you would say that resource use goes up logarithmicaly as family size increases not linearly. While resource usage goes up greater than linearly as the number single households increases.
Way to tell ’em, John!
I love everything about this comment! People these days are too self-involved. Too consumed with their own wants to ever willingly put a little one first. Carbon footprints are shockingly easy to control. But I guess claiming saving the o-zone is less demonizing than abortion. I only have two little ones (both boys!), and admittedly, we’re not trying. But if I had another one or another ten I’d love them just the same. My little guys drive me to the brink of insanity sometimes, but they’re my heart always.
Thank goodness there are couples willing to have children. I wish people would start worrying more about the human family and less about carbon footprints.
Here are some facts from CNN Money.
….”It marked the fifth year in a row the U.S. birth rate has declined, and the lowest rate on record since the government started tracking the fertility rate in 1909. In 2007, the rate was 69.3.
Falling birth rates can be considered a challenge to future economic growth and the labor pool.
“If there are fewer younger people in the United States, there may be a shortage of young workers to enter the labor force in 18 to 20 years,” said University of New Hampshire demographer Kenneth Johnson. “A downturn in the birth rate affects the whole economy.”
It takes 2.1 children per woman for a given generation to replace itself, and U.S. births have been below replacement level since 2007.
As of last year, a separate CDC analysis shows an American woman will give birth to an average of 1.88 children over her lifetime, also a record low.”
The earth is the Lord’s. He created it for the human family and there is enough and to spare.
Actually large families tend to be very self sufficient. Everything tends to be handed down, they generally have space to grow their own fruit and vege, are very strict on water usage, and are satisfied to live in smaller houses because a house in which every child – or nearly every child- could have their own room would just be waste of urban land space. Birthdays and Christmas are always more about the family time rather than how much you get given because you can’t afford to spend ridiculous amounts per child. Overall large families don’t seem so bad. And of course I’m not implying that smaller families don’t do all this stuff as well. Its simply to illustrate that size isn’t always the contributing factor to carbon footprints